


Risks (You're Worth It)

by paladaiseu



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2Jae, Angst, Closeted, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Implied Relationships, M/M, Romance, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-10-29 21:38:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10862601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paladaiseu/pseuds/paladaiseu
Summary: Youngjae doesn’t look at Jaebum the way he used to anymore.Jaebum doesn’t reciprocate the look the way he used to anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> just a short disclaimer: this fic does not directly imply or reflect actual personalities of people included in the story. this is merely a work of fiction, fan fiction to be exact, and i am in no way pushing an agenda of saying that what i write here is reflective of what these individuals are in real life. hopefully that's all sorted out. :)

Youngjae doesn’t look at Jaebum the way he used to anymore.

He doesn’t give him the reassuring smile Jaebum had always depended on at times like this. It was his last resort to keeping himself sane; recollecting his nervous heart and trembling senses so that his other members do not draw the same rush of anxiety that attacks him. Jaebum is in desperate need of those familiar pink lips curling ever so slightly upward, the soft expression on the younger boy’s visage adding to the comfort his smile provided.

Jaebum knew that smile was reserved for him, and only him.

Youngjae always seemed to show his support to the others more casually, a light pat on the back in contrast to his roughhoused ones, a small squeeze around the shoulders accompanied by a resonating, “Hwaiting!” in a buzzing tone. His cheerful ministrations always seemed to brighten up the mood within the group, and Jaebum was grateful. Youngjae, who was the last to join GOT7, has been one of those most encouraging members of them all.

Throughout the years, Jaebum had found himself instinctively looking for him out of habit in the crowd of managers, makeup artists, and the like. His eyes never fail to locate the grinning boy, already faced in his direction as if he was waiting for Jaebum’s gaze to land on his as well.

Jaebum doesn’t reciprocate the look the way he used to anymore.

Jaebum’s eyes scan the backstage area, pausing at the pale peach haired boy, chugging his water bottle in mere seconds. Their manager had reminded them that there is only five minutes left before they had to perform their very first air of their new comeback, and Jaebum was restless. The members themselves, even in their foundation covered faces, are exhausted to the core. He cannot deny the fact that their preparation took a toll on all of them, but they unanimously agreed that every hard dripping sweat they exuded would pay off in the end. Jaebum knows this as he’s been in the business longer than any of his members have, but he was still human. He still encountered bouts of tantalizing worries he cannot defeat himself.

So he waits.

Standing there with his hand clutched to a tight fist blood had stopped flowing through them, he didn’t quite understand why he is feeling so frustrated over the fact that Youngjae hasn’t given him his signature smile of concern. He holds on to the fleeting memories in his mind; minutes leading up to their first comeback stages and Jaebum turning his head in worry, only to be saved by Youngjae’s presence.

Jinyoung had already nodded towards his direction moments ago, their own ritual of asking for reassurances that every passionate effort they have put into this very moment will soon be rewarded. Jaebum nodded back, albeit softer than normal. Usually, he would have already gathered enough confidence in the world to tell his longest friend that everything would be okay, because Youngjae would have already sent a smile his way.

“Two minutes, everyone,” he hears the firm tone of his manager and he bites his lower lip in frustration.

Jaebum looks down, more flustered than anxious at this point. A huge weight drops from his heart to his stomach, making him feel nauseous. Get yourself together, Im. He hates himself for feeling so vulnerable especially now. He couldn’t let his member catch him off guard like this or else it would ruin the atmosphere altogether. He has to stay strong,not only for him but also for his friends. Petty unrequited feelings shouldn’t matter right now. Inhaling a deep breath, he glances upward only to find Youngjae missing from his previous spot. Jaebum chokes on his breath as he shifts his head to the side; so much for ignoring his inner feelings.

He, instead, sees Jackson standing next to him, a tired smile etching his face. His peripheral vision catches Youngjae approaching Jinyoung to the side, and his heart returns thumping at a normal face. Shaking his head slightly, he focuses his attention on Jackson and raises his eyebrows in question.

“You okay, hyung?” Jackson looks the most indisposed of all the members. He had started feeling unwell the last week of rehearsals, and Jaebum suggested he should take a break. Of course, Jackson had vehemently disagreed as he defened it would be unfair for the others if he would be resting so close to their comeback. Jaebum was not able to counter his statement as he had seen the members nod their heads solemnly, sympathizing with each other’s exhausted bodies. Jaebum could only sigh in resignation, and hoped that Jackson’s spirit was stronger than his immune system to keep him going.  
“I should be asking you that, Jackson. You sure you’re ready to be out there?”Jaebum asks softly. Jackson contemplates for a second, a knowing smile still present on his face. Shrugging, he replies, “It’s for the fans. Anything for the fans.”

“They’d rather have you healthy than dying in front of them, you know.”

“Who said anything about dying?” Suddenly, Jackson’s voice turns cheery; too cheery for his liking and they both know it. Jaebum doesn’t have the gall to argue Jackson’s obvious pretending, because he too, was starting to lose himself in all of his exhaustion.

“I’ll be fine, hyung. We just need to endure this first week, and I’ll be more than happy to take up that offer,if it’s still on the table,” Jackson exhales, a hand momentarily wrapping itself around Jaebum’s shoulders. Jaebum manages to chuckle at Jackson’s attempt of brightening up the mood. Eventually, he nods and confirms the offer still available for him. He wishes it was for everyone.

“Thirty seconds. Find your places, guys.” Their manager quickly approaches the scene, huddling every member in sight. Giving his leader a final look, Jackson joins Mark and Bambam in a line.

On his own again,Jaebum feels the sense of betrayal wash over him. He spots the person in suspect and his feet wander automatically near him. His breath hitches as he looks down on the younger’s nape, a reminiscent memory occupies his mind. He imagines his hand slowly resting itself on the crook of that smooth surface of skin, grazing on each beauty mark he could find, and once the urge darkens in his stomach he would move closer, lips excruciatingly closer. His wet parted lips were meant to kiss over that one sweet spot that would send the boy groaning in pleasure, yearning for more.

Licking his lips, Jaebum suppresses the desire in the very depths of his mind. It has been a while since he had touched Youngjae that way. Frowning in realization, it has been a while since Youngjae let Jaebum touch him that way.

“Youngjae,” it wasn’t meant to be heard by the boy slouching in front of him, but Jaebum couldn’t help an ounce of longing escape his lips. Youngjae twitches in his spot, turning his head sideways only an inch, depriving Jaebum of seeing the only face that would tame his nerves as well as bring out the dark side in him.

“What, hyung?” Jaebum’s heart drops at the cold tone emitted by the younger boy, but he coughs it off. “G-good luck out there,” he stutters, hands sweating at his sides. It was a generic statement of encouragement, but what else could Jaebum had done? Biting his tongue inside his mouth, he stops himself from saying anything further or who knows what scandalous act of craving he could have done right there and then.

He hears Youngjae scoff at his words and Jaebum’s world continues to shatter. It seemed as if it was a long time ago when Youngjae had expressed the same kind of animosity towards him which shattered Jaebum the same, so he couldn’t help but think if Youngjae still harbored the very grudge he did when they had that startling confrontation.

Jaebum suddenly feels antsy from the sudden realization that Youngjae might still be angry at him, and have been angry at him all this time. His nostrils flare, upset at the unfair treatment he was getting from the younger one.

He thought that issue had been dealt with. He thought they both got over it.

Before he can ask the burning question lumping his throat, Youngjae fully glances at him, eyes devoid of the emotions he once expressed towards Jaebum;and only Jaebum.

“Thanks.”

The manager hurries them on stage,and Jaebum can only comply without protest. His mind was mess from that moment on, and he didn’t care whether his dancing became out of beat or his singing got too sharp. Whenever his eyes flutter towards Youngjae, his heart makes it increasingly harder for him to breathe.

Jaebum knows he’s ruined it, and he has no clue how to fix it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello~ i am back serving 2jae angst like it's no big deal lmao jk but rly tho i've seen so many fluffy/sexual tension-y 2jae gifs which in turn inspired me to write smth angsty bec..lmao idek but here's chapter 2 lol

For a dorm filled with six adolescent boys, the atmosphere was awfully quiet. Especially on an afternoon.

Jaebum is moreso relieved than confused at the overall exhaustion of the group because quite frankly, he really just wanted to strip himself as the ‘leader’ even for just a few hours. Considering how they just got back from an interview where they had to depict themselves as the “rowdy, yet charismatic” boys that they are, Jaebum deserved a good break from making sure no one went too far, or even too little.

Besides, he needed all the alone time he could get in order for him to sort his frustration out towards a certain Choi boy who still hasn’t spoken to him outside of the public eye.

It’s been a week since Youngjae has given him the cold shoulder, and as much as Jaebum wants a confrontation with him, his knees go weak and his throat turns dry at the sight of the boy thoroughly enjoying himself exchanging loud laughs from another member--something they frequently shared the most before. His eyebrows furrow and his jaw tightens, but he usually is quick to recover from his bubbling jealousy. Reprimanding his own irrational actions, Jaebum begins to simmer down with deep breaths, and goes back to the responsible figure he was--or at least known for.

Jaebum hadn’t had his alone time, moreover, he couldn’t get his alone time because of how hot and humid it was in his room. And the fact that it was his and Youngjae’s room once, and that Youngjae is sitting on one of the bean bags looking at his phone and refusing to catch his stare, he didn’t plan on exploding on his emotions any minute now.

So he stays put on one of the high stools on the kitchen island, eyes locked on the black screen of his phone, mimicking the younger’s position but quietly letting his eyes wander to his spot, wishing for a moment to catch him off guard, and prove to his worries that Youngjae still cares-- even just a bit.

It’s been almost an hour, and not a flicker of Youngjae’s glance landed on his.

“Man, it’s really different without hyung,” Bambam voices out in the silence of the air, dangling his long legs on the entirety of the couch. Yugyeom returns from the kitchen with two cans of soda in his hand, hands one to his best friend and swats his legs away so he had room to sit on the edge. “I hope he’s recovering well,” Yugyeom adds, popping the drink open.

“I mean, he’s been gone a lot of times before, but most of them were because of other guestings in China. Not because his body’s given up on him,” Bambam’s usually peppy tone changes to a soft one, face scrunching up at the idea of Jackson back in Hong Kong, sick and bedridden.

“Maybe that’s the reason why his body’s given up, he’s overbooked than the rest of us!” Yugyeom exclaims, pouting at his words. Mark, who was sitting on the single couch next to them, nods in acknowledgement. Jinyoung was in the bathroom, and Jaebum peeks through his peripheral vision to see if Youngjae was listening in to the casual conversation.

Not even a shake of the head.

Jaebum sighs, but quietly nods in his place. He’s glad that Jackson is finally getting the much needed rest he has offered him beforehand, but he never thought it was due to something as serious as him missing most of their comeback promotions. Jackson was devastated, to say the least, even in his delirious state of mind from the medicine he had taken the night he was informed of his three-week long recovery.

Everyone had been there, crowded in the already small room, not giving Jackson enough space to breathe but giving him the support he desired for the most. They all wished him well, and promised that they’d do the best they can even if it wasn’t going to be the same without Jackson. It never was whenever he was gone, and Jaebum saw Jackson’s weary lips curl upwards.

It was enough to know Jackson would be okay.

“We all miss him,” Mark joins in solemnly. “Yeah,” the two maknaes agree in unison. Another wave of static silence flows through the room until Bambam lets out a chuckle under his breath. “Oh, remember when Youngjae hyung got so sad because Jaebum had to recover from his back pain?”

The mention of his and Youngjae’s name, in one sentence, has Jaebum dropping his phone on the marbled surface and his eyes swiftly darting at the other person’s, in question, direction. As expected, Youngjae’s tapping fingers come to a full stop, but he still doesn’t remove his gaze from his phone.

“Oh, yeah. When we had special stages for our unit songs and hyung had to sing 1:31 AM on his own,” Yugyeom explains further, glancing at the seemingly unbothered Youngjae. “Jaebum hyung was missed a lot that time.”

“What are you talking about,” Youngjae finally contributes his presence, with an off tone that the two boys shrug off as they begin to talk about their own special stage during Fly era, dancing to the non-existent music of ‘WOLO.’ Youngjae didn’t care much as he stands from his seat and strides down the hall, leaving a confused Jaebum in his wake. Mark watches the other two remember their own choreography, so Jaebum decides to follow the now strawberry blonde boy, thoughts on what to say already whizzing in his mind.

Setting aside the hurt feelings that had risen in his throat once hearing Youngjae’s indifferent tone, he grabs the younger’s hand with similar surprise from his part. Youngjae backs away almost reflexively, and Jaebum can’t help but twitch with his retaliation.

Just a few months back, Youngjae have had accepted his touch. Youngjae have had even initiated the contact, bringing Jaebum’s nervous hand against his cheek, caressing the smooth red tinted skin.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Jaebum finally manages to spat out, tumbling in his words. His hand stays extended in mid-air, and he hesitates in placing back to his side, almost waiting for the boy in front of him to retrieve it with much conviction.

But Youngjae only glares at the outstretched hand which was Jaebum’s cue to hide it from his view. He parts his lips open, but Youngjae interjects abruptly, “Jinyoung hyung’s room. I’m getting my stuff.”

Jaebum doesn’t bother disguising his initial emotions as he expresses a look of genuine confusion. He feels another sense of betrayal grow inside him, but he tries to keep that to himself for now. He might be careless in exposing temporary feelings, but he wasn’t letting unguarded assumptions cloud his judgment just yet. He has to pry some more.

“Why is it in his room?” He asks, trying his best to cover up his irritation with Youngjae’s new found hyung. They were close, yes, but Jaebum knows the two aren’t close enough to place their belongings in one’s room, and getting it back on their own.

“Why do you care?”

Jaebum doesn’t believe his ears from hearing the words coming out of Youngjae’s pink stained lips. He wants to shake his head in bewilderment; he’s never heard Youngjae raise his tone at him, let alone at the others. Youngjae had always been the bringer of joy in the group. One joke may erupt a few chuckles here and there, but it’ll surely send Youngjae laughing to the high heavens.

It was one of the many things Jaebum graciously adored about the boy; it was one of the things that make him stare at his ethereal beauty longer than he should have in public. It was what made him Youngjae.

This isn’t Youngjae.

“Youngjae, what the hell? Can’t we just get past this and go back to the way things are? This is going to affect us as a group,” Jaebum does his best to sound civil rather than desperate, but he didn’t expect himself to waver so easily. This wasn’t the kind of confrontation he had been thinking of, but it was better than nothing at this point.

Youngjae sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose in contempt. He gives his hyung one final look, a look that made Jaebum regret his decision of opening his mouth in the first place, and hurriedly enters Jinyoung’s room with a slam of the door.

Jaebum doesn’t hesitate, his temper is nearing its limit, so he makes a dash for the door and opens it before Youngjae can lock it. He grabs his bare arms, twists it around until the younger boy’s figure faced him. Pinning both hands to Youngjae’s side, Jaebum can finally see Youngjae’s dark brown eyes in intricacy. He almost chokes on his angry tears.

His eyes were hollow, empty, and glassy in front of him. Jaebum knows this is a front, and he’s getting tired of attempting to break the walls down; walls especially built against him. Of all the people that could get mad at him, hold a grudge against him, it had to be the only person that calmed his senses, reassured his nerves, and kissed away his worries. His jaw clenches as flashbacks begin to fill his already aching head, and he fights Youngjae’s void stare with his fiery one.

“Let me go, hyung,” Youngjae utters under his breath, eyes momentarily looking down. A bead of sweat trickles along Youngjae’s temple as his breathing gets increasingly faster, and yet Jaebum can sense that he was trying to hide his own nervousness. Jaebum lets go of his inhibitions as he drops his forehead on Youngjae’s right shoulder, leaning towards the sensitive skin of his neck. Youngjae hisses at the touch, but Jaebum’s teeth are gritted as he mutters, “Not until you talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Jaebum tightens his grip on both of his arms pleadingly, silently asking Youngjae to cooperate with him. He knows Jaebum has difficulty in dealing with situations when the other doesn’t budge, and maybe that’s why Youngjae had been purposely avoiding chances of them being left alone.

It was already hard for Jaebum not to crave for the warmth he provided at cold nights or hot, as long as Youngjae’s breathing comforted his sense the conditions of the room didn’t matter, once Youngjae moved out of the dorms. But thinking back on it now, Jaebum’s mistakes have probably been one of the main reasons why he even decided on leaving them. He didn’t react too much on his departure at that time as he was much too stressed in organizing their comeback strategy, but Jaebum thinks that was his biggest mistake. He ignored the very thing Youngjae’s giving him shit for right now. And really, his pride couldn’t take it.

“Let go--”

“Well, then fucking talk, Youngjae!”

“About what? About what?” Youngjae’s voice leveled that of Jaebum’s high pitched one.

Jaebum had already shed a tear but he holds anymore incoming ones as he answers with a shaky breath, “About anything! Tell me how your day went, tell me how it is living with your brother, tell me how Coco’s doing, tell me what you think of our new songs. Dammit, Youngjae, just talk to me. I’m fucking dying here with you avoiding me.”

Jaebum continues to nuzzle his head against Youngjae, a familiar act of affection that has turned into a motive of desperation. He tries to kiss his sweet spot, but his trembling lips only manages to place a wet slob of salty tears around it. His body needed Youngjae’s heat, his scent, and his reciprocating touch. The stress had been eating Jaebum alive, and he blamed Youngjae for being so selfish recently, how he couldn’t see Jaebum hurting without him by his side anymore.

He feels Youngjae swallow hard, and Jaebum briefly lets go of his grip but Youngjae only uses it to his advantage as he escapes from the older’s trap. He doesn’t see through him eye to eye anymore as he stomps his feet towards the end of the room, a bag huddled in the corner. Youngjae stands with his back hunched, hands in balled up fists and body in a rigid state. One more touch of Jaebum’s burning lips and Youngjae was going to lose it.

“I’m not obligated to tell you anything anymore, hyung. I gotta get my stuff, my brother’s waiting for me back home.”

Home, it strikes Jaebum’s heart with a sudden pang. Stepping away from the door, he turns to his side and watches Youngjae bring his hand up to his face. Home, giving another aching shot through his chest.

The only times he’s heard Youngjae whisper those words was in the comfort of their dark room, and the overwhelming feeling of happiness exuding off of the two of them as they cuddle. With Jaebum’s arm snaked around Youngjae’s waist, and the younger’s head tucked neatly against the crook of his neck, they both sigh in content. Youngjae would always remind Jaebum of how thankful it was he found home with him, in him. Jaebum had always blushed at the statement, silently thankful of the darkness surrounding them as well, but he never forgets to tighten his hold onto his lover, acknowledging his declaration.

And in a way, it was Jaebum’s own answer, but the moment they parted not only in rooms but also in their unspoken relationship, he regrets never actually forming the same words on his tongue and verbally reassuring Youngjae that he, too, felt the same. Always has, always will.

But, he guesses, not anymore.

The door suddenly bursts open, and Jaebum flinches slightly, but as he sees Jinyoung’s surprised face, he didn’t do much but continue to stand there. Jinyoung walks in the room and pauses himself at the center of the two, pretending that the tension wasn’t intense enough to hear a pin drop.

“Oh, Youngjae. Your brother texted me, said you weren’t replying. He’s waiting outside the building.”

Jaebum utters a ‘tch’ sound, settling in the information that Jinyoung is in contact with Youngjae’s brother. But Jaebum thinks it over, ironically gets him more frustrated. Youngjae probably didn’t want his brother talking to his leader, the man he fell in love with. And Youngjae most likely didn’t want them in contact now; now that he’s clearly feeling the opposite already.

Youngjae grabs his bag on the floor after giving the inside a quick once over. “Yeah, I’m just leaving,” he says casually as if any type of animosity has not transpired mere seconds ago. “Thanks again, Jinyoung hyung.”

Jaebum tells himself not to look, but the contrasting soft tone emitted from Youngjae’s lips sparked his curiosity, and so he brings his head forward and sees his demise. The smile he swears Youngjae only shows him, now openly expressed towards Jinyoung, and the latter reciprocates with an understanding nod.

“For sure. Get here at 7 tomorrow sharp, alright?”

“I will. See you.” And just like that, Youngjae leaves the room without so much a second glance at him, but an all too familiar smile at Jinyoung.

Jaebum soon realizes his tear streaked face as his fingers touch his cheek, and he curses under his breath as he makes his way to the door as well. Now he really needed that alone time.

“Jaebu--” Jinyoung halts his pace, an indignant tone from his friend makes his turn around with a scowl. “Keep it,” he snarled, the irrational emotions he made sure to keep track of now bursting open inside of him like Pandora’s box, ready to unveil the conflicts invading his mind. “Apparently, he’s all into you now.”

“It’s not like--”

“I said keep it, Jin.” His words were like daggers deflecting his own heart, and projecting the hurt into someone else’s fate, as much as Jinyoung didn’t deserve them. But Jaebum couldn’t keep it in anymore, and he swears again, the taste of blood filling his mouth as his teeth bites down the tip of his tongue.

He gets out with the same slam of the door Youngjae gave him, and his heart clenches in his chest yet again. Youngjae has got him bruised to the core of his feelings, and Jaebum almost thinks he actually deserves it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAANGST. nuff said. alright i'm off to sleep it's 2:43 am and before i do i'll rehash my brain into loving 2jae fluff once again lmaaao. thanku for reading!! i'll see you on the next chapter~


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back!! sorry if it took me a while? it's been a rough week ;; anyway, idk if this may seem like a slow moving story but i'm getting to the good parts!! i just need to establish some things in the plot with certain characters~ oh also, if it seemed as if i mentioned jackson's absence too much in the prev chapter even if it wasn't /that/ relevant is bec i rly love jackson ;;;; and i rly wanted to incorporate what actually happened to him irl during this era bec my poor babie doesn't deserve to be so exhausted ;;;; but i'm glad he recovered and is now touring with them in japan!!! but rly tho, fr, they ALL need a break. a month's worth is2g jype tAKE CARE OF UR PPL
> 
> ok on to the actual chapter lol

A few hours had already passed yet Jaebum continues to feel uneasy, tossing and turning in his mattress. The temperature of the room had been so stuffy that opening the windows didn’t make any significant difference at all. But Jaebum fought through the heat and the sweat emitting out of his forehead and lower body, squeezing his eyes shut after every five minutes of attempting to sleep.

He just couldn’t do it.

He sits up straight, running a hand through his sweaty locks. The image of Youngjae staring at him without the same affectionate eyes had been burning in his mind while the portrait of the same boy smiling so thoughtfully at someone else was keeping him more and more awake and uneasy.

Jaebum had always been whipped with Youngjae. He might not admit it to his face, but Jaebum knows himself.

Whenever Youngjae finally falls asleep after talking nonstop about the day’s events, Jaebum finds his fingers carefully tracing the outline of the younger’s somber face, nervous he might break him if he touches too firmly.

Whenever they sneak out of their room and into the kitchen for a late night ramen meal, Jaebum reminds his senses to keep still and control his body from moving closer and closer to Youngjae’s. He eventually gets what he wants, though, as Youngjae bashfully scoots next to him.

Their thighs against each other, Youngjae not-so discreetly links their arms and suggest they eat together that way. Jaebum rolls his eyes in amusement at first, but secretly thanks his brain for making him left handed as it grants him the opportunity to be near the Choi boy like so.

Whenever Jaebum couldn’t sleep, Youngjae seems to be awake too, as they simultaneously turn towards each other with the same surprised look. It soon turns to an expression of comfort, and Jaebum is usually the one to reach out his hand, cupping the younger’s face with earnest. He examines Youngjae’s half-lidded eyes staring into him curiously, and his slightly parted lips, tiny breaths fanning Jaebum’s chin. He smiles at the boy’s genuine features and leans in, connecting their lips softly at first, until he feels Youngjae digging deeper, moaning in his throat, and Jaebum takes that as his cue to make him know how much love he has to give him.

Jaebum falls back into his pillow, hand now buried into his scalp. Annoyance fills his stomach, but longing prevails as his mind continues to conjure up old memories of the two of them on the same mattress, the same room, under the same ceiling. Happy, satisfied, in love. With no one to bother them, no one else to care about but themselves.

Sitting back up again, Jaebum decides that he wasn’t going to sulk by himself anymore. Youngjae has had his fun of playing hard to get, but he couldn’t possibly take it this far. Jaebum knows he’s probably just restraining himself to talk to him at this point. Those glassy eyes that glared at him was too forceful, too… made up.

He knows Youngjae. Better than anyone in their group. Better than Jinyoung.

So Jaebum curses himself as he leaves the room for the first time that night, maneuvering his way from the two maknaes in the living room, and going straight into Jinyoung’s room without much thought.

The door immediately opens, and Jaebum was ready until he sees Mark sprawled across the mattress, arms outstretched with his phone in hand. He hears Jaebum walk in and so they share a moment of confusion until Jaebum asks, dumbfounded, “Why are you in Jinyoung’s room?”

Mark was quick to his senses as he peers his eyes at the leader and counters, “Why did you barge into Jinyoung’s room without knocking?”

Jaebum is taken aback, even unconsciously falling one step behind. He got too caught up with demanding Jinyoung for any answers regarding Youngjae’s behavior recently, he forgot about his manners all of a sudden.

“I… uh--”

“I’m hanging out in here because I like the breeze in Jinyoung’s room,” Mark doesn’t skip a beat as he explains his reason for his presence, returning his attention to his phone. “Jinyoung’s still showering,” he adds.

Jaebum thinks it might be best to just come back later, flustered with himself that he acted to rash. He begins to backtrack to the door, following with the words, “Alright. I’ll come back later,” until he hears a set of footsteps nearing the room. Sidestepping to avoid collision, Jinyoung appears with basketball shorts and a towel hanging around his shoulders, hair still damp from his shower.

He glances at Jaebum, and then at Mark, and says, “Why is everyone crowding my room lately?”

Mark suddenly stands up and dusts his sleeping pants, stretching his arms to the side. “Your room’s cold. I like it.” He gives the two other boys in the room a nod and makes his way towards the exit, waving with his phone in hand. “I’m coming back to my room. Youngjae’s finally online so I’m going to play Overwatch with him.”

Jaebum feels alive and excited, and he couldn’t keep the feeling in as he blurts out, “Wait, are you talking to Youngjae right now?” Mark halts, responding with a wary “yes,” and Jaebum knows that was too out-of-the-blue for him. Shaking his head, he dismisses the question and lets Mark go about his way in which the latter did not have any qualms with. Closing the door quietly, Jinyoung’s eyes follow the trail of Jaebum’s exhausted figure, finding its way to the bed and sitting on the edge with his head rested on his palms.

Jinyoung isn’t used to seeing his leader, his long-time friend like this. Sure, he’s been antsy about big performances before, but this time Jinyoung knows it’s different. This time, it’s not about him or even their group he’s all worked up about. And Jinyoung doesn’t know how to help him without appearing too nosy in his friend’s business.

“So, what brings you here?” Jinyoung starts off casually, drying his hair with the towel while walking to his dresser. He catches a glimpse of Jaebum from the mirror as he sighs under his breath and answer, rather off-puttingly, “You know why, Jin.” Jinyoung couldn’t see Jaebum’s eyes, but he’s inclined to believe they’re not sporting a friendly look right now. Sighing in his place as well, Jinyoung understands why Jaebum is acting coldly against him, but if only he could tell his stubborn best friend that, well, being stubborn won’t really help him with his current problem. Especially with the only person who can help him right now.

Even still, Jinyoung tests his own patience.

“He misses you too, you know,” Jinyoung informs the auburn haired boy and successfully makes him look up, but their eyes never meet. Placing the towel inside the laundry basket in the corner, Jinyoung opens his drawers to pick out a t-shirt. He chooses a plain blue shirt, and in one go, dresses himself up. He keeps his back facing Jaebum, and continues on, “He just doesn’t know how to express it well enough.”

Jaebum scoffs, and Jinyoung raises an eyebrow at how indignant he was with not sharing anything from his side of the story. Jinyoung had to choose his words carefully, or else this’ll end up in the same manner of Jaebum walking out on him this afternoon. He ponders for a second before saying, “If you want, I’ll tell him you’re ready to talk.” It seems ironic to bargain such a proposal as the man in question hasn’t even uttered a word at all, but Jinyoung assumes he’s just trying to collect his thoughts, so he nods to himself and faces Jaebum, crossing his arms in the process.

“Sort things out for real this time,” he coaxes and waits a few seconds to hear a response from the other. Nothing. Jinyoung pinches the skin between his eyebrows, patience thinning every pause in which Jaebum refuses to contribute to the deal. Groaning shortly, Jinyoung admits, “I don’t like seeing both of you this uncomfortable.”

“What do you know?”

Jaebum’s unsteady voice surprises him, but he is quick to retaliate. “W-what?”

“What do you know about me and Youngjae?” Jaebum finally looks at him, eyes puffy and tired. His back is hunched, and his fingers are too caught up with each other he might twist them in the wrong direction. It takes a moment for Jinyoung to interpret the question, but his mind rings a bell eventually.

“You don’t have to worry about anything, hyung,” he says firmly, sitting next to the agitated leader. “All I’m concerned about is you and Youngjae making up. I have no intentions of meddling with your personal business.”

“Jinyoung, I…”

“Really, hyung,” he interrupts. “You don’t have to say anything. I understand. I just want to help.”

Jaebum licks his lip, contemplating on what to say. He’s never had such an intimate conversation with anyone like this before -- let alone Jinyoung. And the fact that no direct accusations were made, the implications in each word Jinyoung have uttered are enough to break Jaebum’s confidence.

He doesn’t know whether to confide his feelings to Jinyoung or if he could leave the it as is, and let Jinyoung do what he says he will. He doesn’t know whether he’s even worthy of confessing his feelings out loud to someone else.

“Hyung? I’ll talk to him. I’ll get him to talk to you,” Jinyoung’s reassuring voice brings him back to the situation at hand, and as he looks at him for any signs of insincerity, he finds none. And for a moment, he feels hopeful, and so he nods.

“Alright. Thanks, Jinyoung,” it might have been too feeble for Im Jaebum, but Jinyoung knows a huge deal of gratitude is poured in those three words. He pats him on the back lightly, sending him another friendly smile. Jaebum intakes a breath and as he exhales, he stands up from his position and finds the door.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize sincerely for the slow update. i've been writing drabbles on my tumblr ( got7 x reader ones ) instead just because for me they were easier to write? as i'm given a prompt to fulfill, and they're usually just one shots. this, i have the story planned out but i've always sucked writing multi-chaptered fics. but i hope i deliver this time, i think i made this longer so yeah, enjoy? ^^

A few days have passed since Jaebum and Jinyoung’s confrontation. Jackson had come back, alive and well -- for the most part. Their manager tells them that he’s finally “okay” enough to go back on stage and perform with them. Jaebum is hesitant of this, but Jackson had shot him a knowing smile, and Jaebum could only trust the Jackson Wang to know what’s best for him and what isn’t.

They’ve started performing ‘Q,’ and thank god they did, because it was a huge break from the intense choreography of ‘Never Ever.’ Jaebum was particularly in favor of this, because the steps they devised for the song had him stand next to Youngjae for some parts, and the younger didn’t seem to protest outwardly. In fact, they’ve been locking eyes and smiling at times they weren’t center.

Jaebum isn’t quite sure whether to take it as a sign of Youngjae softening up to him again. He had to be careful nowadays, one wrong move and Youngjae would start acting as if he had never loved the man before him at all.

But the more Jaebum analyzes those small instances of acknowledgements, the more doubt is accumulated in his thoughts.

What if Youngjae really didn’t mean all of those times they were intimate with each other; that he just needed a distraction from the stress of an idol, and Jaebum was the perfect person for it?

What if Youngjae knew he wasn’t going to expose him as he’ll be exposing himself, and he’ll let him be because, clearly, Jaebum needed the his desires quenched as well?

He shakes these dangerous thoughts away from his mindset. He doesn’t need anymore suspicions in his head when Youngjae’s showing signs of camaraderie with him again.

They were backstage for another live recording of ‘Q’, and Jaebum had been distracted with Jackson’s rambles on how annoying it was to be void of any contact with the outside world for a long period of time. Jaebum nods at the right moments, glad that his friend is back to complete them again, but Jaebum’s eyes continue to linger at the lone boy standing idly by the refreshments table.

“Earth to Jaebum hyung? Hyung? Can I finally drop the honorifics and just call you like my equal?” Jackson’s hand dances right in front of Jaebum’s face. He swats this away and blinks, unaware of his sudden spacing out.

He narrows his eyes at the fully recovered Chinese man and mutters with a low tone, “I heard every single word of that, Jackson.”

Jackson gulps and chuckles in his signature high pitched tone. He steps back, bows while repeating the word, “Hyung!” until it lost all its meaning, and scurries away to find another target for his mischief. Jaebum is secretly relieved for his freedom as he retains his glance towards Youngjae.

Youngjae, finally aware of someone’s stare on him, returns Jaebum’s glance with a small smile. Jaebum feels his heart skipping a beat. He miraculously remains calm as he approaches the accepting boy.

“Hey.”

“Hey, hyung.”

They have been greeting each other the same way the day after Jinyoung told him not to worry, and Jaebum thinks it’s a start. But it’s almost been a week, and he wants them to interact beyond simple introductions. So, Jaebum decides to take the lead today, as he should.

“I like your ad libs for ‘Q’, gives a fun vibe to it,” he comments, palms behind him, supporting his weight as they rest against the plastic surface of the table. Youngjae nods briefly with his head down and says, “Your song’s already good, hyung. It’s just a small thing.”

“It’s not, for me, and I really appreciate it,” Jaebum whispers close enough so only Youngjae can decipher his words that he thinks hold more meaning than one. Youngjae squirms at the sudden close contact, but he doesn’t seem to budge in his place. Jaebum doesn’t think twice and grabs ahold of Youngjae’s hand; they were cold and sweaty.

Youngjae instantly tries to break away, but Jaebum grips his fingers tighter, looking down to see behind Youngjae’s bangs.

“Hyung, not here…”

“I miss you, Jae,” the older mumbles, his heart beginning to ache for the sweet comfort Youngjae had always given him before. He has been so tempted to hug him, bury his nose against his neck, just any type of touching that could satisfy the intense longing building up inside him. Jaebum almost didn’t care getting caught by their members, or even worse, a staff.

The desperation has taken control of him, and he’s too weak to defy it.

“You can’t just… do that, hyung. You can’t just do this,” Youngjae quips back, hand falling limp with his touch. Jaebum’s lips curl into a disappointing frown and he considers letting go, but he only holds on for dear life even more.

“What do you mean, Jae? Talk to me, please. I’m willing to listen to you,” Jaebum pleads.

Biting his lip, Youngjae stares at their hands, flimsy and awkward in their position. It has never been like that before, and Youngjae is trying his hardest not to entwine their fingers in a way that they did in the solace of their room. But the warmth of Jaebum’s hand was such a pleasant surprise from the recent cold and lonely feel of Youngjae’s palms, and he hates himself for giving in so easily.

“After what you’ve made me feel, and not even realize it until I grew cold towards you, you can’t just do all these things like everything’s fine just because your best friend told you he’d do something about it,” Youngjae says, and this is when Jaebum feels their touch loosening up. His eyebrows furrow and Youngjae brushes away his bangs as he looks up, the same deadpanned expression etched on his visage.

“I asked Jinyoung because you refused to talk to me,” Jaebum defends. He was getting quite tired of whatever charade Youngjae was playing with him for a while now, and he had to do what he thought was the only way he and Youngjae can get this out of their chests.

So, what did Youngjae want?

“We’re on in 30 seconds, places people!”

Their conversation had to be cut short, as Youngjae swiftly avoids his frustrated expression and brisk walks his way near the stage. Jaebum didn’t want this to prolong any longer, so he promises to himself right when they get back to their dorms, he’s confronting Youngjae once and for all.

Even if it means having everyone to see it.

-

“Youngjae, I need to talk to you.”

The dorm is soon filled with boisterous complaints of tiredness and hunger from five other boys who had just entered the room. Youngjae swerves to the right, avoiding Jackson and the two other maknaes making a beeline for the dining room. They all had takeout bags in their hands, ready to be devoured by their growling stomachs. Youngjae didn’t feel particularly hungry, and Jaebum had already lost his appetite before they got on stage for ‘Q.’

Jaebum passes by Mark who hogs the long couch, phone in hand with a YouTube video showing onscreen. The leader grazes his fingertips on the Choi boy’s arm in which Youngjae flinches in response.

Jaebum grits his teeth and murmurs, “And don’t tell me there’s nothing to talk about because there quite clearly is.”

To be honest to himself. Youngjae doesn’t really want to keep the tough guy act up any longer. The physical exhaustion his body is enduring is already torture enough, he just wants to be at peace with his mind. But with this current issue with Jaebum, he’s just about to lose it.

Even still, he remains his stubbornness, wanting Jaebum to initiate everything. Youngjae feels as if he spoon feeds the older about what was wrong, confronting each other wouldn’t really be that worth it.

Jaebum sighs heavily as Youngjae continues to be unresponsive. They stand idly by the hallway, forgetting the noisy atmosphere enclosing the apartment.

“And you complain that I don’t put in any effort between the two of us,” Jaebum spits out. Youngjae realizes that he’s clearly annoyed now, but his mouth couldn’t be bothered to speak up as his voice is stuck in his throat.  
“Youngjae-ah, look at this sick gameplay I’m watching,” Mark suddenly interrupts, facing the two with his phone towards the younger’s face. Before any of them can react, Jinyoung appears next to Mark, grabbing his arm away from the scene.

“Hyung, let’s grab ourselves some dinner,” Jinyoung says, albeit urgently. Mark probably knew something was off with the way Jinyoung was hurrying him off elsewhere, but Mark knew better than to ask an obviously irritated looking Jaebum, so he nods his head slowly while being swept to the other side of the room. Jinyoung glances back with a worried look, but Jaebum was already dragging Youngjae into the confines of his room.

Youngjae immediately stands a few feet away from Jaebum. He finds himself in the center of the room, and he awkwardly shift the weight of his body to one side, arms crossed tightly with each other. Jaebum doesn’t protest at Youngjae’s defiance, but he doesn’t skip a beat in starting the conversation.

“What happened to us?” He asks, hurt trying to hide itself from his shaking voice.

Youngjae doesn’t answer as quick, but he sighs softly before tilting his head to side, saying, “You tell me, hyung.”

“I don’t know, Youngjae,” Jaebum answers firmly, hands starting to ball into fists but he knows not to let his anger get the best of him right now. Jaebum closes his eyes before saying anything further. “That’s why I keep asking you, so I know what you’re so damn angry about.” Opening his eyes, Jaebum sees Youngjae getting farther away from him and this only fuels his frustration.

Why does he keep on distancing himself from him?

“Do you not think about us?” Jaebum spats, tone getting increasingly higher. “Even as a group? Did you not think about how fucking exhausting this charades is you’re playing with me? Managing the group while worrying about what the fuck your problem is with me-”

“That’s it. That’s it right there,” Youngjae interrupts, a voice so small and yet so overbearingly loud for Jaebum to comprehend.

“What?” Jaebum is taken aback by the nonchalance in Youngjae’s tone, but he needed more answers.

Youngjae finally turns around, and Jaebum’s stomach churns at the sight of the younger’s eyes. Yet again, cold and distant. Youngjae doesn’t seem to notice Jaebum’s stance softening up at the sight of his face, so he continues on.

“I get it, hyung. Okay? I get it. You have the most responsibility out of all of us, you have the most burden. But don’t take it out on us. Don’t take it out on me,” Youngjae emphasizes the last word, moving a step closer at a dumbfounded Jaebum.

Youngjae isn’t done. “Who’s been by your side while preparing for this comeback? Huh? You keep complaining how selfish I am for not seeing the pain you’re going through but did you stop to see if I was there for you? Willing to help you through it all?” Youngjae pauses, breath heaving. Jaebum knows it’s not time to answer yet, as Youngjae’s eyes continue to stare at his with an intensity he couldn’t fathom.

But Jaebum already knows the answer. He’s know the answer for some time now, but his pride wouldn’t let it sink in for him to openly admit to it.

“No, you didn’t,” Youngjae says for him, each word a dagger through Jaebum’s chest, hitting all the right spots which, sometime before this mess began, were places Youngjae had placed feathery kisses on; light yet sweet, soft yet desirable.

Youngjae’s shaking voice breaks Jaebum’s train of thought, continuing to send chills down his spine. “You pushed me away. I understand you not letting the others involved, but you pushed me,” Youngjae starts to whimper, and so he tightens his lips together to stop himself from breaking. His whole body looks as if it was trembling, and Jaebum just wanted to come closer and embrace him in his arms, kiss the anxiety away.

But it looks like that’s not happening anytime soon.

“Youngjae, I…” Jaebum feels as if he had to utter a word in order for Youngjae to know he’s still there, listening, accepting every hurt accompanied by Youngjae’s confession. He didn’t know what else to say, but Youngjae had recovered from his shakiness and speaks up again.

“I felt useless, hyung. Even if I was so ready to give up my own time just so I can take care of you. I wanted to take care of you but you just shrugged me off and treated me as if I wasn’t worth your time,” Youngjae explains further, and as much as he wanted to stay strong, he couldn’t. His hiccups invaded his throat, and his words were slurred with teary eyes.

Jaebum avoids Youngjae’s gaze, scared he might break down too as the realizations are hitting him hard. But a part of him tugs on his mind saying that Youngjae was just overreacting, and that he just needs to hear it from Jaebum. So he tries, believing it’ll mend at least some of the damages.

“Youngjae, you gotta understand,” he begins, nervously, “I couldn’t handle everything at once.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the full truth either. Jaebum has had admitted in the past of his intolerance to things not going his way, and although he’s been actively working through it, the pressure overcomes his will to keep calm and so he either blocks people out of his perspective, or scares them out of it instead.

Jaebum thinks he’s showed Youngjae both; ignoring his presence and offers of relaxation, as well as verbally attacking his help. He didn’t seem to think it affected Youngjae that much, as he’s pretty sure he’s done it to the others as well.

“That’s why I wanted to help you, hyung, to balance those things. I didn’t want you carrying everything yourself!” Youngjae interjects, and Jaebum hates seeing Youngjae in pain like this. He remembers seeing a similar expression of hurt at times when criticisms turn to hate, and his hard work didn’t seem to pay off enough. It strikes a chord as Jaebum realizes that Youngjae has never fully exposed himself so vulnerably to anyone else in the group besides him, and Jaebum took those moments for granted by refusing to accept Youngjae’s own acts of gratitude towards him.

His pride was in the way, too big to break away from even if Youngjae was involved.

And this is only because Jaebum has never felt such deep connections with someone other than Youngjae. He’s never learned how to deal with his own complexities once someone else was there readily available to sort it out with him.

Jaebum knows how much he needed Youngjae, but only when it was convenient for him. He didn’t seem to recognize the times Youngjae needed him, too. And Jaebum regrets this.

“I left not only because I wanted to be closer to my brother,” Youngjae’s voice fills the sudden eeriness of the room, “but because I didn’t want you physically close to me but have your mind drifted somewhere else.”

Jaebum doesn’t say a word. Back slightly hunched, he stays still with his eyes on the floor as he feels himself choking on unyielded tears.

“I needed you too, hyung,” Youngjae reiterates Jaebum’s thoughts. “I needed you and you refused to look at me.”

“Jae,” the older’s voice is tired and desperate, “I’m sorry…”

It was pathetic, and Jaebum knew this. Youngjae knew this.

Wiping the wet patch forming under his nose, Youngjae sniffles in thought. His eyes have turned red from stopping the tears to overflow. “Maybe this isn’t right,” he mumbles shakily, pacing in the little corner he was in, “Maybe this was never right in the first place. I mean, what was I thinking? Telling you I liked you? And not in the hyung-dongsaeng way-- what was I thinking?”

Youngjae panics, hands gripping at the roots of his hair and Jaebum can only watch. His jaw hardens at the ridiculous conclusion laid out to him by the same person who kissed him good night, snuck midnight meals with, cuddled his exhausted body until he fell asleep, and told him he loved him, whispered to him words Jaebum never thought of ever being worthy of receiving.

He was Youngjae’s home, and for Youngjae to betray every little thing that encapsulated the term was a blow to his heart.

“Jae, don’t say that,” Jaebum pleads, now letting himself reach out to the trembling boy.

“No, hyung. You’re right,” Youngjae counters. He wasn’t right. Jaebum was wrong. Jaebum wanted to prove himself wrong.

“These kinds of attachments only hinder us down--the whole group. I never should have acted upon my feelings.”

Shut up, Jaebum wants to shout. Stop feeding yourself these lies. Jaebum doesn’t stop coming towards Youngjae, but Youngjae had already sat on the bed with his head down and his sobs audible. Sitting next to him Jaebum closes in the younger’s figure in a tight embrace, syncing his heavy breathing with his whimpers.

“Youngjae, please.” Jaebum turns Youngjae’s body towards him as the latter finally looks up. With puffy eyes and swollen cheeks, Youngjae drops the facade and, maybe, for the last time, exposes his vulnerability to the man he refuses to let in anymore.

“No, hyung, I can’t.”

“Are you saying this isn’t worth it? We’re not worth it?” Jaebum asks in between chokes of his own salty tears. He rubs his face against the swell of Youngjae’s cheeks, giving in to the temptation of touching Youngjae like he used to. Like they used to.

Bringing his hand up, Youngjae attempts to push the older away but his strength is gone as his arm limps to his side.

“I love you,” Jaebum whispers in heavy breaths, lips yearning to touch with familiar ones. Youngjae coughs out another whimper, tears mixing with Jaebum;s own. They stay still with Jaebum clinging to the younger, and Youngjae only wanting to detach himself. Away from Jaebum’s grasp. Away from Jaebum at all.

He finally releases Youngjae as Jaebum realizes that the confrontation is over. He covers his tear shrieked face with one hand, allowing himself to wallow in regret of his actions.

“I love you too, Jaebum hyung,” Youngjae mutters brokenly, and Jaebum can only peek through his fingers. He’s already let his vulnerability out in full view, he couldn’t take anymore of the hurt building up in the atmosphere of the room.

“But I don’t think I’m enough for you.”

A door closes with a soft thump, and Jaebum can only hear the last piece of his heart getting broken.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII 
> 
> firstly, my SINCEREST APOLOGIES FOR ALMOST LIKE TWO WEEKS OF NO UPDATES. it was finals week in my university and i was on hiatus from tumblr and writing fics altogether ;~; the stress was just getting to me & i rly wanted to focus on decently passing my exams ;___; forgive me pls
> 
> but now that that's over, i'm back~ although i only have two weeks of summer break actually because i'm taking summer classes. that's okay tho since my schedule isn't as hectic as a regular quarter in college.
> 
> so so so i won't keep u waiting any longer!! aaa i rly wish u forgive me for such a slow update TT_TT college is hard and i am a fragile human bean ;A;

Youngjae doesn’t feel right at all.

Those agonizing words he last spoke keeps haunting his mind whenever his eyes catch familiar brown ones. He doesn’t do it on purpose. It’s almost as if the universe is telling him, “Look. Look what you let go of. Look what you lost.”

But he lost me too, Youngjae repeats to himself. I’m tired of always being the one waiting for him, he finalizes and continues to mask the empty feeling inside his stomach for the duration of the day.

Choi Youngjae wasn’t trained to be professional in the industry to break down due to personal issues—no. They were all taught to suck it up, perform well, and uphold the image of a happy-go-lucky idol to the public. Only when the lights are off, only when it’s three in the morning and they’re finally done for the day can they strip themselves of the disguise.

It’s not always that hard. Youngjae and the rest of them are generally in genuine good moods. Of course the occasional temper tantrums here and there cannot be helped, but the gratitude they have for the career they’re growing into does not falter, and Youngjae, in particular, never forgets to express his appreciation for a successful life to his fans, and everyone else.

And so he pins this in every corner of his mindset, giving him enough motivation to keep his chin up and his smile wide. He doesn’t mind being labeled as the “sunshine” of the group because, even behind the scenes, he really is and he prides himself for always choosing to look at the bright side of things.

He just needs to turn his head to the direction of positivity, and Jaebum isn’t exactly what brings him such feeling nowadays.

And yet, Youngjae reminds himself that this is for the best, and everything has been going exceptionally well after the confrontation. Promotions have been skyrocketing, wins have been given to their group, and the agency is as pleased as they all are with the enormous support they are receiving from fans.

They’re all still tired to the core, but knowing the exhaustion pays off with greater success, they don’t mind it for the most part. Youngjae thinks this is a valid excuse to be happy, even when his conversations with Jaebum had been reduced to small talks and irrelevant questions, even when he hasn’t gotten as close to bumping shoulders with Jaebum in passing as it seems they’re both avoiding any kind of physical contact with one another—Youngjae knows not to respond with apprehension, even if his whole being tells him otherwise.

“Hey, Youngjae, you okay?” Jackson snaps the Choi boy from his own train of thought as he sits next to him, bringing a hand to his tense shoulder. Turning his head to the Chinese man with a worried expression, Youngjae replies in a trance, “Huh, what?”

He feels a touch warm up his hand, and Youngjae only realizes that he’s been fiddling with his back for quite some time now, and Jackson probably noticed seeing as he was the only one not preoccupied with their own little world in the waiting room. Even Jaebum is not to be found, but Youngjae dismisses the thought as he had already been thinking _too much_ about him before they arrived here.

Youngjae drops his arm from his back and shakes his head with a sheepish laugh. “I’m alright, hyung.”

“Are you sure? You want me to massage your back a bit before we go?”

“I am. And it’s really okay, it doesn’t hurt or anything,” Youngjae feeds Jackson and himself his well-rehearsed lies. Suspicious, Jackson peers his eyes and juts his lower lip forward. “They say I have ‘magic hands,’” Jackson offers, eyebrows suddenly wiggling.

Youngjae lets out a breathy chuckle. “I don’t think I trust those sources of yours, Jackson hyung.”

Jackson appears offended, but continues to defend his statement, “No, really! I actually learned from a real masseuse. C’mon, you won’t regret it.”

Youngjae ponders for a moment, and as soon as he agrees and Jackson’s ‘magic hands’ find their way on his back, Jaebum enters the room.

Youngjae doesn’t see him at first as his eyes slowly close in satisfaction of Jackson’s impromptu massage. He wasn’t lying when he said he knew his stuff as Jackson’s hand expertly untie the stressful knots keeping Youngjae’s back uptight and stiff to the muscle.

“That- that feels good,” Youngjae manages to let out, eyes opening. They land straight onto the leader’s figure, and Jaebum is too slow to react as the younger catches him staring back. Blushing hard, Youngjae looks down on his lap and fiddles with his fingers anxiously.

“I told you,” he hears Jackson mutter proudly. Youngjae notices Jaebum walking away and he relieves a sigh, but his heart doesn’t stop pumping loudly in his chest.

“Oi, what’s this?” Jinyoung suddenly asks. Youngjae looks up to find his hyung with his arms crossed and eyes wide. Youngjae’s cheek continue to grow warmer, but he retaliates immediately, “Hyung, don’t say it like that!”

Jackson teases back, “You’re just jealous it’s not you who I’m working my magic hands on, Jinyoungie.” To this, Jinyoung scoffs and goes back to his phone, but Yugyeom caught onto the situation and points at Youngjae with a smirk, “Oh, Youngju noona getting a massage from Jackson oppa!”

Youngjae doesn’t miss a beat as he detaches himself from Jackson’s grasp. The older gasps in faux disappointment, and Jinyoung stifles a laugh. Jackson approaches Yugyeom from his seat, saying something along the lines of not messing with his hyungs, and Yugyeom tries to hide himself behind Bambam. Youngjae stays still in his seat, confused at the sudden sequence of events, until Jaebum clears his throat, saying, “Guys, keep it quiet. We’re not in our dorm.”

Youngjae momentarily forgets the commotion happening with the other boys as he glances back to the source of everyone’s quick response to quiet down. Jaebum doesn’t bother hiding his stare towards the younger, and Youngjae doesn’t seem prepared to take in such a bold move. He gulps as he realizes Jaebum’s jaw has tightened, arms intersecting one another with a grip so firm.

Youngjae doesn’t know whether to feel smug that he still has that effect on Jaebum, or disappointed that he couldn’t act upon it anymore.

*

“Youngjae-ah,” Jinyoung calls the rushing boy from behind. Bending his knees in defeat, Youngjae drops his hands against them as he breathes out heavily. He had fallen asleep in the dorm and woke up to ten missed calls from their manager. They were supposed to shoot their video greeting for their Australia fan meet in a few days, and since they had just finished recording for a music show performance, Youngjae was beat. His back hasn’t stopped aching, and the bags under his eyes being to dig deeper into his skin.

He just needed a minute of rest. Until it turned to an hour.

“Jinyoung hyung? I thought we were filming?” Youngjae asks as soon as Jinyoung was in his line of sight. The older glances at him from head to toe, and he shakes his head as he sighs, “We were but the shirts we were supposed to wear hasn’t arrived yet due to some typos on it so they’re redoing everything.”

“Ah, really? So I ran here for nothing?”

“Manager-nim is still pretty pissed, but his anger shifted to the t-shirts, so you’re off the hook for now,” Jinyoung reassures him, patting his back in which Youngjae hisses in sudden pain.

Raising an eyebrow, Jinyoung tries to ignore the obvious elephant in the room and proceeds to ask him about something more…subtle. “So, how have you been?”

Youngjae is aware of what he was referring to, and so he straightens up and runs a hand through his disheveled and sweaty hair. “He doesn’t seem to be bothered by it anymore.”

Jinyoung utters a tsk, and retorts, “You know Jaebum hyung. He seems like it until he breaks.”

“I don’t want him to anymore,” Youngjae admits. “We’ve hurt each other too much. It was the right thing to do.”

Jinyoung opens his lips, but his phone replaces his voice as it rings. Bringing it to his ear, he says, “J-Jaebum hyung?”

Youngjae’s ears perk up.

“Yeah, I just got some water. Have they delivered the shirts yet? Ah, I see. They better let manager-nim cool off for a bit, huh? Oh?” Jinyoung’s eyes focus on Youngjae, and the latter tilts his head to the side in confusion. “Yeah, he’s okay. I just saw him. I also told him about the situation.” There was a slight pause until Jinyoung’s eyes widen a bit he is quick to respond, “Youngjae looked fine, hyung. I think he was just exhausted after the recording. You know you can ask him yourself when you see him.”

Youngjae’s ear begin to exude a bright shade of red as he feels himself shrink in his place. Did he always do this? Ask Jinyoung about him? He doesn’t know exactly what to feel, but his heart starts to thump continuously loud again.

“Well, I’m coming back now and Youngjae is probably on his way, so I’ll see you in a few. Alright. Bye.” Jinyoung ends the call and slips his phone back in his pocket, two fingers pinching the bridge of his nose in contempt.

“Hyung—“

“Yes, he always asks about you. And yes, Youngjae, he’s hurt but he knows you are too, but isn’t this much more complicated than actually trying to talk to each other again?”

Taken aback by Jinyoung’s response, Youngjae pushes his lips together. He didn’t know. He couldn’t have known. He once wondered if it was true, but knowing that it was real—that Jaebum still cares, a lot, was overwhelming.

“Hey, Youngjae-ah. Don’t think too much about it, okay? I don’t mind him asking me about you all the time, but just keep in mind that he still cares,” Jinyoung says.

Youngjae can only make himself nod at the revelation, and Jinyoung tells him he’ll be going in first as to not create any suspicion that they’d come in together despite the information he relayed to Jaebum mere seconds ago. Youngjae agrees, still stuck in endless confusion at the status of his relationship with Jaebum.

A part of him rejoices that, indeed, Jaebum still likes him, and Youngjae can’t deny he’s still deep in affection for the older as well. It hurts knowing this is what they have come to.

But it makes him suffer realizing that this is what they probably will be for a very long time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to make up for the long hiatus, i'm finishing the story throughout the day!! so there's actually two chapters left and i'm pretty nervous and excited to end it because this'll be my first ever multi-chapter story that i'm actually finishing til the end. that doesn't mean i won't be writing more 2jae because, heck, this is only the beginning! ; ) so i hope you enjoyed, as always, and huuuu i wish this suffices for the long wait ToT


	6. Chapter 6

The sun hasn’t risen, and yet the six boys have already eaten, showered, and are currently transporting their luggage to the van. Surprisingly, Jackson was the first to get up and hype everyone else for their flight to Australia. Considering that he had other family matters to attend to in the Land Down Under, the other boys didn’t mind getting woken up by his excessive jumping and screeching like the five-year old niece he was to meet for the first time.

Everyone started to leave the dorm with Jaebum the last one to exit. It’s been a normal couple of days, albeit the sudden hits of anxiety within the group as they venture out to a new country for a few days. Australia seems so far away from South Korea, and it is being 10 hours of airtime, so the worries they had in their heads were justified. Nonetheless, meeting international fans gave them the much needed determination to put on a great show, one to remember and cherish in their career.

Jaebum adjusts his headphones to fit snugly into his ear until the one thought bugging in his head doesn’t seem to leave him. Taking one plug out his ear, he taps Jinyoung’s shoulder to which the younger responds with a tilt of the head. They were midway out the door, so Jaebum had to make it quick.

“Did Youngjae text you yet?”

Jinyoung pauses for half a second before shrugging in thought. “No, but he probably fell asleep on the way to the airport. He’s going to be there, hyung. He has to.”

Jaebum knows the irrationality of his concern, but he feels as if he verbally acknowledges the issue would he become completely rest assured. This was the only possible way he could cope with the loss of someone utterly special to him, and luckily his best friend understood this need.

“Okay, you’re right. You’re right,” Jaebum says out loud, more to himself. Jinyoung gives him a nod of understanding before proceeding outside. Following suit, Jaebum places his headphones back in and begins drowning himself into one thing he knows won’t ever leave him—music.

They arrive at the airport promptly as traffic was almost non-existent during the hours of dawn. Jaebum had his head low and his eyes closed, feeling the songs playing on shuffle instead of focusing on the worry bugging his mind. The van had come to a stop, and Jinyoung had to shake his arm to get his attention. Jaebum quickly takes the headphones out and bumps his head on the ceiling as he abruptly jumps from his seat. Jinyoung chuckles, shaking his head as he waits for his leader to hop off first.

“That didn’t happen,” Jaebum mutters under his breath. Jinyoung nods repeatedly. “Alright, hyung.”

Tugging his cap closer to his eyes, Jaebum prepares for endless monotonous sounds of cameras clicking and lenses flashing in their faces. To his surprise, and delight, there was none.

“Should I be concerned?” Jaebum lets the question fly in the air, but Jackson catches up to his side and answers, “Manager-nim said they’re on their way. We haven’t lost our fans… yet!”

Shaking his head in amusement, Jaebum continues to walk close to the group. He eyes the staff in front of him, and veers his gaze further to check and see if a particular blonde boy wearing Supreme clothing is loitering about.

“Jinyoung—“ Jaebum was about to ask his best friend again until he sees him getting dragged away by their manager. He dismisses his previous thought and approached the nearest member instead.

“Jackson, did Youngjae text you or anything?”

“Me? No, why?” Jackson responds.

“I just… I haven’t seen him yet. And fans might be wondering where he is when they arrive.”

“He’s probably already inside or catching up to us. Don’t worry, hyung, we’re not going to Australia without Youngjae,” Jackson reassures him, a smile etching his visage. Nodding his head absent-mindedly, Jaebum repeats to himself what Jackson had just told him, and what Jinyoung already did earlier on.

He’s there. Youngjae’s already there. I’ll see him soon, Jaebum prays.

As expected, the clicking of photos emerge into the scene as hordes of fansites crowd the airport, creating a pathway for the boys to walk on the center and airport security managing the sudden grow in population.

The boys try to speed their pace; it was almost routine now as they practically maneuver through airports more than they do the streets of Seoul. As much as they’d want to interact longer with fans, they have flights to catch and reputations to uphold.

Their names being screamed in the previous silence of the air, one in particular stood out with a proceeding question of, “where is he?”

Jaebum had been wondering that too, and he regrets ever feeling assured that things were going the way they planned.

Staff continue to push them to their actual destination and it felt like forever before they lost sight of cameras, and the bubbling questions of Youngjae missing in the group.

Jaebum had begun to sweat, but he waited until they reached the departure area to demand answers.

Spotting their manager in the midst of buying overly priced coffee, Jaebum makes his presence known. Their manager glances at him, waiting for Jaebum to speak first. He clears his throat and asks, “Where’s Youngjae?”

As if knowing on cue, their manager sighs and accepts the cup of steaming black liquid from the employee. “He’s taking another flight,” he says nonchalantly.

Jaebum’s eyebrows shoot up. “What? Why isn’t he coming to this flight? Didn’t you book him the same ticket?”

Unfazed with the 23 year old’s sudden questioning, their manager continues to dissolve the sugar he just poured in his cup, stirring slowly. “All you need to know is that he’s getting on the flight after ours. There has been a mix up, but he’s going to be in Australia like the rest of us soon enough.”

Jaebum wanted to press more answers, but knowing their manager, he knows he’s reached his limit. He decided that those were enough explanations, and he just had to trust his words that Youngjae’s fine and will be physically next to him in no time.

Before they knew it, it was time to board the plane. Jaebum had gone with the flow, showed his passport, placed his hand carry inside the cabin overhead and situated himself in his assigned seat. Luckily for him, Jinyoung got the seat next to him, and he contemplates whether to relay the information about Youngjae to him or not.

“Jinyoungie, are we sharing the same hotel room?” Jackson pops into the aisle, dragging his hand carry on the floor. Jinyoung shares a look with Jaebum considering they had already planned beforehand to room together during their stay in Australia. Before he can respond, Jackson notices their shared expressions of doubt and so he adds, “Oh, I just thought Youngjae was rooming with Jaebum hyung.”

There was a certain stillness in the air that managed to bring down a heavy weight on Jaebum’s stomach. He can’t blame Jackson for assuming something that has happened way too often to be a coincidence.

The many, and as in _many,_ times they’ve traveled overseas and had to share hotel rooms, it would also be Youngjae and Jaebum in one. No questions asked after the fifth time they declared to be paired up. And it didn’t seem like an odd thing, anyway, since they were roommates to begin with. Jaebum had forgotten that the conflict he had with Youngjae was quite on the down low, and everyone else besides Jinyoung was oblivious to their falling out recently.

“I’ll ask Youngjae then, it’s no big deal. I won’t be hanging in the room that much anyway as I’m staying with my brother for the most part,” Jackson explains, dismissing a hand and continuing his way to find his seat. Jaebum lets out a breath of relief for not needing to explain what awkward vibe just exuded between them.

“Did everyone else know Youngjae was taking a different flight?” Jaebum turns to Jinyoung with a questioning stare. Sighing, Jinyoung replies, “I think manager-nim just finished telling them now. I did find it odd, though, as if they’re not telling us something important.”

Jaebum groans. “Don’t give me any ideas to think worst case scenarios, Jin.”

“Oh,” Jinyoung slips, “Right. Sorry.”

A few minutes passed, and the plane was ready to take off. Jaebum knows being anxious for ten hours wouldn’t do him any good, so he tells himself to forget about it momentarily, just until he sees Youngjae for himself again.

They landed in Australia roughly around 6 PM. Fans have crowded the sides and the atmosphere already felt foreign to them. Jaebum was waiting for the inevitable questions directed at them from the crowd, but none whatsoever came up. Jaebum wonders if the staff had leaked information about Youngjae catching a different flight and so they were expecting him a little bit later. Either way, Jaebum only cared about Youngjae getting there overall. The van starts moving, and so does Jaebum’s heart in anticipation.

Now inside their respective hotel rooms, which took them almost two hours to get to, Jaebum plops on one of the beds and stretches his arms in the process. Jinyoung starts unpacking his stuff, taking out his pajamas and toiletries to use.

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum starts.

“Hm?”

“Did—“

“No, hyung. We don’t have cell service here, and we literally just got here so I have no idea what their wi-fi password is,” Jinyoung states firmly, looking directly at Jaebum’s tired figure. Sitting up in his position, Jaebum gives the younger a bewildered look. He rarely talks back in that tone nowadays as Jinyoung has learned to keep his temper in check—better than Jaebum, even.

To see Jinyoung losing his temper punched Jaebum in the stomach. Jinyoung seems to notice the tension bubbling in the room as he shakes his head and stands up. “Look, hyung. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way,” he admits, a hand scratching the back of his neck nervously.

“No, it’s cool, Jin. I should be the one saying sorry. I shouldn’t bother you with my stupid questions,” Jaebum interrupts, head resting in between shaking palms.

“I know it’s not, and I know you’re worried for him. But please, do yourself a favor and trust that he’s coming. It’s not good for you, and for all of us, to think too negatively of the situation,” Jinyoung suggests, voice beginning to soften up. “They might be hiding something about it now, but it’s our right to know eventually what’s actually going on. They’ll tell us when it’s time.”

“But what if—“

“Jaebum hyung, Youngjae is going to be fine,” Jinyoung confirms almost as if letting himself believe his own words. Jaebum feels defeated and too exhausted from the flight to argue any longer, and so he thanks Jinyoung again, tells him he’s turning in early, and for the last time that day, reminds himself that Youngjae will be okay.

Morning makes its way through the cracks of the hotel windows and Jaebum is quick to react, eyes straining in the bright sunshine. Turning his head sideways, Jinyoung still looks fast asleep underneath the thick blankets, so Jaebum feels for his phone on the bedside table. 6:30 AM, it read, with a message from their manager calling an urgent meeting at 7 AM at his hotel room.

“Jinyoungie, wake up!” Jumping out of his bed, Jaebum slaps what he thinks is Jinyoung’s leg and rushes into the bathroom.

“What—what—what?” Jinyoung rises, eyes blinking rapidly at the urgency of Jaebum’s voice.

“Emergency meeting at 7, hurry up!” Jaebum calls from the other side of the door, finding his toothbrush among the mess of necessities scattered on the counter.

Yawning, Jinyoung groans inwardly but begins to gather himself from drowsiness, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to get out of this one.

*

Everyone arrived roughly at the same time as they all knew urgent meetings call for on-time arrivals. Jaebum’s eyes scan the similar looking room, but he wasn’t as disappointed not to find Youngjae inside as he assumed the meeting was for him.

Jaebum had told his heart to stop running faster than his mind conjuring up scenarios he would never wish upon ever happening in real life. He needed to be the calmest of the group seeing as they all look pretty shaken up at the sudden seriousness their manager and some staff members present were exuding off.

“So, you may have probably guessed why you’re all gathered here at such short notice. Some of you had already been suspicious the night before, and trust me we were all in the same boat of worry and panic,” their manager begins to disclose, standing in front of the two beds were the boys are either sat or standing next to.

Just get to the point, Jaebum wants to interject. Just tell me where Youngjae is.

“Is this about Youngjae hyung?” Bambam has answered Jaebum’s prayers, and the coldness in the room shifts to a higher degree. Every member looks among themselves with the same expression of concern forming on their faces. Jaebum focuses his gaze on the floor, trying hard not to squeeze the blood out of his fists.

“Yes. Unfortunately, Youngjae won’t be able to attend any of the Australian fan meets. He was rushed to the hospital at dawn, hours before your flight. He had reported of a sudden feeling of excruciating back pain and resorted to go to emergency, hoping it would get sorted out before he had to leave.”

The manager’s voice was loud and firm, but Jaebum can only hear static ringing in his ears. He had only been up for at least thirty minutes yet his stomach felt like fire, waiting to explode.

 

The manager takes in a breath, doesn’t look any of them in the eye and continues, “Unfortunately, his doctor strongly recommended for him to be admitted until his conditions improve. Leaving to another country was just going to make it worse, and he wouldn’t have made it through the one fan meet, let alone the flight.”

“Why didn’t you tell us earlier? We could have all visited him before we left,” Jaebum bursts out, voice trembling in fear of his tears cascading down his face. Their manager finally gives him a look, and says, “It wasn’t your concern at that time—“

“—wasn’t my concern my ass! You saying that it doesn’t matter disrespects him as a member of this fucking group! He’s just as important as the rest of us, and we had—we have—the right to know what has happened to him the moment you did instead of playing us around like that!” Jaebum finishes with a gasp, chest tightening with every breath.

Jinyoung quickly stands up next to him, grabbing Jaebum’s arm to keep it steady. The other members, in shock, can only bring their heads down in solidarity. Jaebum knows he shouldn’t have reacted so violently, but the pent up frustrations were too much to continue shoving in the back burner.

“He was just extremely worried, manager-nim. He didn’t want to seem like an incompetent leader for the rest of us not knowing exactly what happened to Youngjae, so please forgive his outburst. We all needed answers, and Jaebum knew he couldn’t give any himself,” Jinyoung explains slowly, gripping the older’s arm tighter with every sentence.

Their manager neither looked angry nor shocked, but his silence was telling.

A few moments passed, and he eventually speaks up. Not addressing the previous surge of emotions, he informs them, “I sent someone to help film his apology video to be played at the fan meet. The fans already know of this, so there’s nothing to worry about anymore. Just do your best as always, I’m sure that’s what Youngjae would want for everyone.”

And with that, the boys were instructed to come back to their rooms to get ready for breakfast and their first rehearsal of the day. Jinyoung escorted Jaebum outside which the latter didn’t mind as he thinks if he were to be left alone, he would have done something more regretful right there and then.

A tear messily streaks the side of his face and once they were in the hallway, Jaebum forcefully detaches Jinyoung’s grasp and wipes his face with his arm sleeve. Mark hesitates bringing himself to the scene as he instead walks together with the other boys to their respective rooms.

Jaebum starts trudging to the other direction with Jinyoung following suite.

“Jaebum hyung—“

“I know, Jin. It was uncalled for,” Jaebum finishes for him. They reach the front of their room, and Jaebum lets his head fall against the wooden surface. He couldn’t possible stay this miserably broken throughout the day—as much as he hated how their manager handled the situation, he did believe that Youngjae still wanted them to enjoy their stay.

“It’s just a few days, hyung. We can do this. You can do this,” Jinyoung’s voice echoes back in his ear, attempting to attach itself into his mindset.

“I don’t think so Jin,” Jaebum whispers hoarsely, opening the door, “but I have no other choice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i say i live and breathe for angst???? because i frkn do. /shrugs  
> and yes, oops i used a real thing that happened just recently because I WANT IT TO HIT ALL THE RIGHT SPOTS FOR MY 2JAE SHIPPERS OUT THERE IM SORRY YOURE RELIVING THIS PAIN BUT WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER OK JUST ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT  
> but for real tho, i crie hard for real 2jae moments, they are my precious and i want my precious proteccted


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i lied. this isn't the last chapter. as i was writing this, it went on for too long but at the same time, i didn't want to cut anything out as i deemed everything somewhat important to the remaining details of the plot so :^) idk if that's a good thing or bad thing, but hey ho there's another chapter coming! and I THINK that one is definitely the last, unless i make a bonus chapter of god knows what lol but yeeeee here u go~!! ^^

Jaebum didn’t know that he needed to utilize what’s left of his acting skills in his idol life, but fortunately for him he still had some left in his system as he tried his best not to leave the stage midway to break down in all kinds of frustrated emotions.

Don’t get him wrong, Jaebum was still excited for the first official fan meet, never thinking less of the admiration fans give them on the daily. In this case, however, he was sure the anticipation isn’t as energetic as it is when they’re complete on stage, and the fans seemed to empathize with the emptiness.

Even still, the boys didn’t forget their main priority in that despite the unfortunate circumstances, they were going to work through it and give back the same amount of happiness they’ve received. And so far, it’s been going well.

The MC then announces something really long in English which Jaebum didn’t fully comprehend but swiftly knew what was about to come hearing the words “Youngjae” and “sick” thrown in some of the sentences.

Inhaling a deep, nervous breath, Jaebum follows his members who have started to crouch in their place for fans to see the wide screen slowly turning into a video.

Jaebum chokes out a tear seeing Youngjae plastered on the projector, pale and hollowed. He was wearing white, probably the hospital gown, and the walls behind him only accentuated the pastiness his skin appeared to be. His hair looked like an attempt of quick touch ups as if he had just woken up from sleeping, and the depth of his under eyes proved this so.

Jaebum forces himself to look directly into the screen, but whenever his peripheral vision glimpses any part resembling Youngjae’s face, his throat just keeps getting tighter.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung whispers next to him, an arm securing itself around his shoulder. Jaebum didn’t have to check who it was but he couldn’t help trembling even more. Hearing the audience cry out loud for Youngjae wasn’t helping Jaebum restrain his own eyes shedding tears, but Jinyoung was well prepared.

“Not here, hyung,” Jinyoung reminds him firmly. “He needs you to be strong here.”

Nodding mindlessly, Jaebum sniffles to prevent his feelings to overflow. Jinyoung was right—they couldn’t afford to sulk in their place right now. The fan meet was only getting started, and they had four more in the following days.

The only thing keeping Jaebum sane at this point was the thought of coming back to Youngjae without disappointing him. It was working, not as great as he wanted it to be, but Jaebum couldn’t deny how less fulfilling it was to be on stage without one of the most important people in his life to share it with.

“Ah, I had so much fun. The fans here are so nice,” Yugyeom beams, arms outstretched upward in attempt to relieve the tiredness straining them. The fan meet ended just over twenty minutes ago, and the boys are resting inside a spacious function room waiting for their manager to tell them they were ready to return to the hotel.

“I know, right? I can’t wait for the next ones,” Bambam reciprocates his best friend’s enthusiasm, lounging himself on the couch. Everyone seemed to be satisfied with their first experience in Australia, and Jaebum is glad that they’re enjoying themselves despite the circumstances at hand.

He, too, wants to join in all the fun in conversing about their performance, but his whole body felt like jelly and he wished he could just teleport to his bed and sleep the day away.

Jaebum hears the maknaes talking about their plans on their day off. The leader wasn’t too excited about it as he’s probably just going to spend it by himself at the hotel room. Scrunching his nose in thought, Jaebum glances towards Jinyoung and realizes that he might not be able to isolate himself tomorrow.

Knowing Jinyoung, he’d most likely drag his ass away from his bed and force him to sight see with the rest of the members in hopes that Jaebum would distract himself from the underlying problem his mind can’t seem to shake off.

Jinyoung stares back with a knowing smile and Jaebum sighs in defeat. If he was going to be honest, he appreciated Jinyoung’s supportive intentions as he didn’t really have the luxury to tell him to give him any space. Jinyoung knew Jaebum too much to know that he shouldn’t be left alone at times like this.

“Are you excited to see your niece, Jackson?” Jaebum hears Mark ask Jackson a few feet away from him. A cheerful laugh rings through the room which Jaebum immediately guessed was Jackson’s, and he turns his head towards the direction of the sound as he hears a giddy reply, “Of course I am! This is my first time meeting her together with my brother who I haven’t seen in such a long time.” Clutching his heart for a more dramatic effect, Jackson gushes, “I can’t wait to see that adorable chubby face in person!”

“Do you mean Aimee or your brother?” Jinyoung interjects, a sly smile emerging on his face. Mark chuckles at the joke, slapping his knee in the process while Jackson rolls his eyes and grunts. “You’re so funny, Park Gae.”

Jaebum lets out a small chuckle of his own, glad that his friends are looking forward to the one day off they have in the midst of the chaos in their careers as of late. He sighs to himself, running a hand through noir locks and wishing he could feel the same level of excitement they all did.

Jaebum thinks he deserves feeling anxious—feeling not like himself. How could he, considering the only person he believed saw right through him—through every crack and corners he, himself, couldn’t reach and understand—wasn’t with him anymore, broke the relationship they had with each other.

Jaebum shakes his head, _No. It wasn’t just Youngjae. It was my fault too_. All the days following the confrontation, Jaebum still felt the same towards the boy—maybe even more, but that’s what’s making his heart constrict even tighter with the image of the two of them in bed, happy and satisfied, because Jaebum knows it’s too late.

He had his chance to see the gap between them getting wider and wider, the void in between are the apologies Jaebum never said, the desperate looks of concern Youngjae always gave him, and the love that had blurred out in the middle of it all.

Now the gap is too big to enclose, the void too deep to find the broken pieces thrown into it and to fix them in attempts of reconciliation. Every intimate moment shared together wasted, just like that.

And Jaebum knows he played a big part in the mess that erupted.

“Hyung, we’re ready to go,” Yugyeom brings him back to reality—no better than his train of thoughts—so Jaebum nods his head and trudges his way out the door.

*

Jaebum lies in bed with only his pants on, feeling all too hot even with the air condition in full blast. His mind couldn’t stop running, and he doesn’t even know what for.

He’s exhausted himself with the thought of Youngjae in the hospital, and him not doing a better job as a leader, so he’s not quite sure why his nerves are twitching, and why he has this insatiable urge to... _move_.

And yet here he is, body sinking deeper into the mattress for the past three hours, wondering how Jinyoung hasn’t carried him out the room by now.

His question is immediately answered as the door opens abruptly, and familiar voices barge in the quiet of the room as Jaebum lifts his head to inspect the sudden commotion.

“Oh, hyung, you’re finally awake,” Jinyoung says, walking towards his side of the room to grab something from his luggage. Jaebum wants to point out that he was never asleep to begin with, but he deemed it unnecessary and just hummed in response.

“We’re planning on eating out at this famous restaurant,” the other intruder, Mark, informs him as he looks around the room. Swirling his phone in hand, he adds, “You’re probably hungry so you should come.”

Jaebum contemplates on the offer knowing that if he blatantly declines, Jinyoung was going to argue over the reasons why he should come with. Even if his senses demanded him to move, to do anything but lie down, the thought of eating did not come off as appealing to him—let alone at a place full of different kinds of people for sure.

The quiet comforted him, at least, so he was at a crossroads on how to respond at the invitation.

“C’mon, hyung, we have the whole day off tomorrow. Let’s get you some fresh air, yeah?” Jinyoung suggests, shoving his wallet into his back pocket. Mark nods in agreement, crossing his arms as he glances over the condition of their leader. He doesn’t judge for he’s been kept up to date, albeit vaguely, about his situation with Youngjae anyway—all thanks to Jinyoung.

He doesn’t want Jaebum to know, however, because Mark doesn’t want him to think that Jinyoung isn’t trustworthy enough. But Mark believes Jinyoung had good intentions, seeing how stressed Jinyoung appeared to be while retelling of the dilemma their two friends were caught up in.

Although Mark was unsure of the specific details, all he needed to be informed about was the fact that Jaebum misses Youngjae and that he couldn’t really do anything about it.

But Mark thought otherwise.

Before Jinyoung could open his lips in another effort to persuade the other person in the room, Mark beats him to it. “You know you can fly back to Seoul and see him.”

The room suddenly converted back into its silent hum, more protruding than it was before.

The two boys, if they listen closely enough, could detect Jaebum’s heart beat speeding up as he sits himself straight in the center of the duvet. Crossing his legs, Jaebum drops his face into one hand, and Mark gulps at the tension, remaining perfectly still in his position.

“If you leave now, you can get there by morning. Flights occurring at night may be rare, though, so I suggest you start looking for one already.”

Jinyoung turns his head towards Mark, a look of confusion and apprehension mixed into one incomprehensible expression. Mark doesn’t return the glace, and instead, approaches the foot of Jaebum’s bed and rests his hand on the wooden surface.

“Jaebum,” he starts off, waiting for the man in question to look at him but to no avail.

Sighing inaudibly, he continues otherwise, “We all know how much you miss Youngjae. We all do, too. It was a shit move for us to leave without seeing him first, so I’m assuming you’d do anything to visit him right now. There’s a way, and you just have to trust us that we’d cover for you. We’d understand.”

A shuffling of feet surfaces, and a new weight plops down on the mattress as Jaebum slowly lifts his head up from his palm, eyes straining to see the figure with the familiar arm rubbing warm circles on his back.

Jaebum sees Jinyoung’s concerned expression, and he didn’t have to say anything to sense that he agreed with what Mark had just said.

It wasn’t as if the thought of flying back to Seoul overnight to see Youngjae didn’t cross his mind—hell, it was the first thing he thought of the moment he was informed of Youngjae’s condition. But Jaebum didn’t want his hopes crushed as soon as they were formed for he knew it was almost impossible to get through their manager, and even his own members, and book a flight to Seoul and come back to Australia right before their next fan meet would start.

What Jaebum didn’t consider was his members’ overwhelming support of this idea, even if it didn’t reach full bloom and most importantly, even if most of them were unaware of his tribulations. Slowly, Jaebum realizes that _this_ —this is what his body has been telling him to do—to move towards.

Towards Youngjae.

“Do you think I can pull it off?” Jaebum finally speaks, his voice hoarse and scratchy. Mark only nods firmly as he needn’t say anything more. Jinyoung pats his shoulder twice, and Jaebum was finally ready to start moving.

No more being cautious, no more being wary of himself, his reputation, his own feelings.

If he so badly needed to see Youngjae, tell him how everything went wrong with the two of them and possibly beg him for a second chance, he had to risk it.

It wasn’t as tricky as they thought it would be—well, at first.

Jaebum had successful bought his two way ticket online with the departure time just four hours from now. It was late at night, and Jinyoung and Mark had given up their plans on eating dinner outside—much to Yugyeom’s dismay—to think of ways on how Jaebum would be able to get to the airport in time without getting caught.

“Jackson!” Jinyoung suddenly interjects, pointer finger raised in the air. Mark looks at him for a split second until his eyes widen in comprehension. “Good thinking, Jinyoung.”

“What—what about Jackson?” Jaebum asks, bewildered. Jinyoung starts fishing out his phone and dialing the number as he answers, “Hopefully, he cooperates.”

“H-how?”

“Jackson, are you in your room?” Jinyoung starts off, standing up and walking to the bathroom to converse in peace. Jaebum tries to understand what was happening, but Mark fills him in promptly.

“If it’s not too much trouble, we’ll get Jackson’s brother to drive you there. I believe it’s on the way from their house, so I don’t think it’ll be that much of a burden.”

“Won’t Jackson be suspicious why I’m going to the airport?” Jaebum counters.

“Jinyoung’ll take care of it,” Mark says, shrugging. Jaebum doesn’t understand how nonchalant Mark is about the situation, but he doesn’t want to question their assistance as they’re his only chance in making this ridiculous plan succeed.

A few minutes passed, Jinyoung comes out of the bathroom door and signals a thumbs up. Jaebum suddenly feels the hope re-emerging from his body.

“In fact, he’s here right now. Let’s move,” Jinyoung adds, hurrying the two out of the hotel room. Grabbing his duffel bag, Jaebum makes his way out of the door with a pulsating heart and a restless mind.

They make it to the airport with a breeze as they begin their travel after the rush hour. Mark and Jinyoung didn’t come with as Jackson was going to go straight to his brother’s abode right after dropping Jaebum off the airport.

Once they saw each other, Jackson only gave his friend a tight hug in which Jaebum reciprocates firmly. It was enough for Jaebum to know that Jackson was okay with this, and he reminds himself to thank these three friends of him later when all of this has been over and done with.

Jackson’s brother was as friendly and energetic as him, as expected, and Jaebum sincerely laid out his gratitude for the ride. Jackson had explained some sort of urgent meeting Jaebum, as the leader of GOT7, needed to attend to back in their headquarters which his brother didn’t question, not knowing any better.

“You ready, hyung?” Jackson shoots Jaebum a look of reassurance. With an unfamiliar cap in his head (the bucket hat would give him away almost immediately) and a gray mask covering almost his entire face, he gives Jackson a thumbs up. Opening door, he delivers one last look and makes his way into the airport.

Jaebum wasn’t a fan of not knowing what goes down in the group whether it concerned the members individually or as a group. And so it was unusual for Jaebum to feel comforted with the fact that Jinyoung had told him he had it covered with their manager should he inquire of Jaebum’s whereabouts on their day off tomorrow.

Not wanting to fill his mind with one worry after the other, he forces himself to believe that he’s getting past this without much consequences. Once he reaches Youngjae, whatever their manager brings upon him as punishment wouldn’t faze him as much anymore.

An hour of being with Youngjae surpassed a week of working until his body caved; that was the risk he was willing to make for him.

It seemed like a miracle that Jaebum did not get the slightest bit recognized at the airport, but he didn’t want to jinx the peaceful transition from luggage inspection to the waiting area for boarding. Still, his nerves are at an all-time high, looking at every direction for any possible fan lurking about.

Finally, his boarding flight is announced and he rushes his way inside, almost tripping in front of the stewardess ripping half of his ticket for approval. Like a lonely leaf through a heavy breeze, Jaebum finds his assigned seat in the middle of the plane, tosses his hand carry into the upper cabin and finally relaxes his muscles by making himself comfortable in his seat. Just like any other ride, he takes out his trusty headphones and start playing any kind of music he had on his phone to accompany him during ten excruciating hours of waiting.

Jaebum got a window seat, and he was never a fan of the dramatics but as soon as the plane skidded off the ground and emerged into the sky, his eyes never leave the vast canvas of the world before him, white clouds of all shapes and sizes occupying the midnight blue. He spots the moon, illuminating stars discreetly making its way known for everyone to marvel about.

He wishes he had someone else to look at the magnificence in front of him. Jaebum fights the anger starting to make its way out his throat as he wishes that Youngjae never had felt pain in the first place, and that they could’ve gone to Australia seated next to each other, shared a room together, and stargazed the night sky on the patio of their hotel room instead.

Closing his eyes to make this thoughts at least visualize in his mind, Jaebum prepares himself for what is to come of his decisions that led him to be in his literal position right now. Not even thinking of the technicalities of his actions—what hospital was Youngjae staying at? Won’t the people in the hospital recognize who he is? How was he going to go back to Australia without getting caught in the airport?—Jaebum chooses to hold onto the thought of seeing Youngjae again. Making everything right for them again.

“Wait for me, Youngjae,” Jaebum whispers under his breath, and soon after falls asleep with this thought of his.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo like idk how australian airports work as i don't live there ;~; but i just estimated the flight time from there to south korea so hopefully the approximations are quite... believable??? and truuust me i know this whole thing WAS a stretch, but it's ok bec this is all in my fantasy anyway jsdhjkff pls consider ;A;


	8. Chapter 8

Jaebum feels weary, and the way his body slumps while brisk walking—to the best of his ability—to the nearest airport restroom makes him think he’d melt into a puddle of exhaustion once he reaches his destination. Although all he did for ten hours or so straight was stay still in his seat, it was the unluckiest sensation to have been in considering all he desperately wanted to do was keep moving.

Entering an unoccupied stall, he locks the cubicle door and immediately leans against the wall, trying to regain his consciousness to execute a plan. He could have done so before the plane landed—he had half a day, for god’s sake—but the more he thought about what was to come next, the more his legs started wobbling, his heart almost begging him to breathe normally, and his mind ready to implode.

Jaebum is a perfectionist. Once he feels something going out of his way, he makes it a point that he can’t proceed forward without solving the issue at hand. This diligent attitude of his was helpful at times, especially when the other members deliberately don’t do their best on a particular day of practice—he was chosen to be the leader, after all—but often times, it only creates more of a disagreement than unity within them.

However, right now, he seems to have lost his capability to be perfect altogether. Arriving back in Seoul with no concrete plans on his hands, he’s dumbfounded and, dare he confess, scared.

Sighing heavily, Jaebum lets his mind cool off for a few minutes, relaxing his muscles by stretching them out. He only needs to take it one step at a time, just like Youngjae always tells him.

Youngjae…

Biting his lower lip in concentration, Jaebum racks his brain of a way to communicate with Youngjae—or at least anyone else close to him that isn’t a member of GOT7. The first thing off his checklist was to find out what hospital he was checked into. But how could he know? There are multiple of them just around the vicinity of their apartment which wasn’t really that far off from Youngjae’s brother’s apartment.

Jaebum quickly blinks. _Youngjae’s brother._

He finds his phone in the pocket of his duffel bag and searches for a particular name in his contacts list. Praying hard to himself that the person answers his call, Jaebum sends a quick text first then proceeds to dial the number.

After the fifth ring, Jaebum had his teeth clenched. This was his last chance of getting closer to Youngjae—what else was he going to do?

Right after, Jinyoung picks up.

“Hyung?”

“Jinyoung!” Jaebum shouts, his voice echoing in the tiny chamber of the cubicle. “Jin, I need your help,” he says a bit quieter.

“W-what is it? Have you seen him yet?” Jinyoung’s voice was also in a rush, excited and worried for his friend at the same time. Jaebum shakes his head but quickly realizes Jinyoung couldn’t see him so he continues, “No. Not yet. I just got here. I need to know Youngjae’s brother’s phone number. I don’t know what hospital he’s staying at.”

Jinyoung hums in response. “Ah, you’re right. I’ll send you a text with his contact information right now.”

“Thanks, Jin. I owe you and the guys so much for this,” Jaebum replies with a genuine smile he hasn’t produced in what felt like ages.

“No worries, hyung. Just be safe. And say hi to Youngjae-ah for us, yeah?”

“I will. Thanks again,” and with that Jaebum ends the call, and immediately after receives the message with an unfamiliar phone number attached. Without thinking about it, Jaebum clicks on the string of digits and places the phone back against his ear, heart pounding in his chest.

It only took two rings until a deep voice emerges from his speakers. “Hello? Who’s this?”

Jaebum suddenly forgets to speak. “J-Jaebum. This is Jaebum. Am I speaking to Youngjae’s brother? I got your number from Jinyoung,” he manages to spat out in choppy intervals.

There is a slight pause and Jaebum faintly hears another voice in the background. He grips his phone tighter with the hopes of Youngjae present during the call.

“Ah, Jaebum. This is a surprise. Aren’t you in Australia?” Youngjae’s brother asks.

“I am—I mean, I was. I flew back to Seoul and just arrived a few minutes ago. I’m… here to see Youngjae,” Jaebum explains quietly.

“Just you?”

Taken aback by the question, Jaebum doesn’t answer right away. He didn’t think of an excuse of him coming by himself should Youngjae’s brother question it—and question it he does. Even if the roles had been reversed, Jaebum would be just as confused why one member would go out of his way to sneak a plane ticket back to Seoul all by himself.

“Jaebum?”

“Y-yes. Just me. Everyone else had other plans, but since we weren’t given a chance to see him before we left, I thought it would be best to spend my day off with him,” Jaebum stammers, hoping that his reasoning was believable enough.

Another moment of silence passes by with Jaebum straining his ears to hear a glimpse of the background conversation happening without him. Jaebum resists himself asking if Youngjae was there in the room, if Youngjae had been missing him as much as he did, if Youngjae still had a place for him in his heart.

“I’ll send you the address of the hospital. Text me when you’re by the entrance so I can come get you. We don’t want any publicity now, do we?” Youngjae’s brother’s voice interrupts his own line of thinking, and Jaebum is grateful he did.

Nodding his head, Jaebum quips back, “Yeah, gotcha. I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Alright, bye.”

Bracing himself for what’s to come, Jaebum sprints outside the airport with as much discretion as he can. He didn’t have a choice but to take a taxi to get to his destination, and luckily the driver seemed to be old enough not to be aware of his celebrity status in the country. Jaebum directs him to the hospital location, and before he knew it, the cab drops him off as he pays for the ride without waiting for the change.

Standing near a lamp post away from the crowd of people coming in and out of the hospital entrance, Jaebum texts Youngjae’s brother informing him of his arrival. It didn’t take too long before Jaebum spots a familiar looking guy he’s only seen in a few photos that Youngjae once showed him, and the descriptions he had given him of his features and such.

Jaebum was still wearing the oversized cap and mask he had on even before his flight, and he suddenly feels conscious of what he probably smelled like by now.

Youngjae’s brother stands in front of him, opening his mouth to speak but closing it almost immediately. He turns his head both sides and Jaebum chuckles behind his mask. “It’s me,” he says, muffled. The man before him nods his head with a scratch behind his neck, and signals for him to follow.

They didn’t say much just because they both worried that Jaebum’s tone of voice can easily be detected by an adolescent present in the hospital who, most likely, would be aware of who’d it belong to. Surprisingly, the hospital wasn’t as packed as Jaebum had imagined, but he didn’t want to think of it any further as his main purpose of being there was something else—someone else.

Reaching the designated floor, they both walk along a path of white corridors and white floors. People in white coats and pants pass them by like a breeze, and Jaebum oddly felt out of place and fitting well at the same time—what with his “edgy” clothing together with his mask covered face, it was a contradiction on its own.

Finally, Youngjae’s brother speaks in a low tone, “This is his room. It’s a good thing you got here during visiting hours or else you would have waited until evening.” He gestures to the door with the windows next to it covered by sky blue curtains. “Would you mind if I leave you to it as I haven’t exactly eaten lunch yet…” he trails off sheepishly.

Jaebum uncovers his mask but remembers to look down—it doesn’t hurt to be extra cautious. “No worries. You should go eat.”

Youngjae’s brother nods as he waves a dismissive hand. “Take care of my brother,” he says with a tone Jaebum couldn’t recognize. He only manages to reciprocate his actions. Once he was out of sight, Jaebum turns to the door and inches his hand onto the doorknob. It feels cold to the touch, but Jaebum’s warmth quickly transfers from the metal as he twists it around, hearing a lock click out of place.

The room wasn’t huge, but it wasn’t too crowded either. Jaebum was thankful that Youngjae was sent to a solo room just so he can have his privacy, and that whatever scandal can arise—which is what he’s doing right now—can be avoided.

Jaebum looks back at the door he previously closed with a soft thud and his head seems to be stuck in place. He was in denial that he’s finally here—just a few inches away from the man he so desperately wanted to see. And yet, why can’t he bring himself to look at him?

It’s a good thing the room was filled with the low hum of the air condition for Jaebum would have tugged at his hair furiously because of how loud his thoughts were getting. This was his chance to make things go back to how they were—or at least, mend the broken pieces to start all over again.

Why is he stuck in denial?

“I’m right here, hyung.” There it is. The voice he had been yearning to hear and his heart immediately breaks at the undoubtedly worn out tone it emitted. Although he had heard him speak through that apology video he had to excruciatingly sit through without releasing the waterworks, hearing Youngjae’s tired voice in person gave much more of a grave effect on him.

Slowly turning his head, Jaebum takes miniscule steps towards the hospital bed. He breathes in the minimal decorations placed upon the cream colored walls and stale looking furniture. It makes him feel antsy, being in a room that looks and feels the opposite of the person occupying it.

“Any time now, hyung,” Youngjae croaks out, a tiny laugh escaping his dry throat. Jaebum swiftly lifts his head up, reddened eyes with tears threatening to escape on the brim. He stops at the foot of the bed and sees Youngjae adjusting himself against the headboard. His strawberry blonde bangs covered his eyes, but Jaebum sneaks a peek at his lips pressed together—as if he had trouble sitting himself up.

Instinctively does Jaebum come to the rescue, allowing his hands to firmly but gently push Youngjae’s shoulders up, as well as elevate the headboard to a comfortable angle. He almost turns it up too steep as he hears Youngjae grunt in pain but the younger reaches his ghostly hand on top of Jaebum’s trembling one, reassuring him that he did a good job.

“Thanks, hyung. It usually starts hurting after a good hour so I have to stay in this position again,” Youngjae explains the sudden change in form, placing his hands on his lap. Jaebum gulps, not knowing what to respond with the information given to him, and instead, stands awkwardly behind the newly angled headboard.

“You can sit if you want, there’s a chair over there you can pull out.”

“Oh,” Jaebum manages to utter softly, finding the object in question to his left. He carefully slides the wooden furniture just a few inches away from the bed and gingerly takes his seat upon it. Jaebum intertwines his fingers with a tight grasp as he believes they might just find themselves buried under Youngjae’s messy hair, and soon his lips somewhere—anywhere on his face.

Youngjae turns his body slightly towards Jaebum’s direction, officially looking at him eye to eye since he entered the room. His dark circles didn’t quite contrast Jaebum’s similar looking ones, and this worried Youngjae. His eyebrows furrowed, Youngjae’s hand reaches up to touch the air in between Jaebum’s cheek. It stays there, floating, not wanting to invade Jaebum’s space.

Jaebum’s lips are in a thin line, terrified that if he lets go of the pressure, they’d just gasp in anticipation of Youngjae’ touch on his. He can’t bring himself to verbally tell him to go for it—caress him with the iciness of his fingertips. He wouldn’t care. His cheeks were warm enough to embrace them in. He just wanted Youngjae to do it himself.

Youngjae’s tongue protrudes in between his dry lips as his slender fingers graze ever so lightly on the older’s cheekbones. The latter sucks in breath, overwhelmed at how fast the spark traveled between them. Youngjae’s hand travels upward, now imprinting soft fingertips along his under eye, the bridge of his nose, then downward to his cupid’s bow.

Jaebum feels as if he was in a dream. After countless nights of sleeping terribly, he’s finally getting something good out of his slumber.

But he’s not sleeping. And Jaebum realizes it’s reality, and he can do whatever he wanted and know that he can’t be a coward anymore.

Snatching Youngjae’s hand, he guides it along his jawline to his lower lip, and eventually resting them on the crook of his neck. Their eyes continue dwelling themselves in their presence, absorbing all and every emotions swimming in the depths of their orbs.

“You don’t look so good,” Youngjae whispers, hand gradually massaging the tense nerves present on the older’s neck. Jaebum smirks slightly, tilting his head to the side to give the younger better access on his weak spot. “Tell that to yourself, Jae,” he counters.

Another weak laugh emerges from Youngjae’s lips and Jaebum fights hard not to entangle himself into him, give life back into his system—just like he did whenever Jaebum felt the world stealing his own light away.

“I miss you,” Youngjae mutters shakily, and they both knew it meant more than just the two days they haven’t seen each other. It meant more than the few instances they rarely got to converse in between rehearsals for their upcoming tours. It meant more than all of that.

“I miss you too, Jae, so much,” Jaebum lets out hoarsely, suddenly grasping Youngjae’s hold onto him.

“I’m sorry for being such an idiot. I shouldn’t have been so sensitive. You needed your space, and I overreacted,” Youngjae explains, mouth trembling with every word. He runs his free hand through already messy locks, and tugs on a few strands of hair in frustration. “If I wasn’t such a crybaby, we wouldn’t have fallen apart in the first place,” he whines, droplets of tears cascading down his full cheeks, already producing a warm shade of pink.

“No, Jae,” Jaebum starts but is unable to compose a coherent sentence afterwards with his stare fixated on Youngjae’s crying figure. Blinking his own hot tears away, Jaebum guides Youngjae’s hand into his, gripping onto them with much desperation.

Youngjae doesn’t stop sniffling, and so Jaebum brings their entwined hands close to his face, pursed lips gracing light kisses on each knuckle. Jaebum hears Youngjae’s faint sobbing coming to a stop, and the corners of his mouth turn into a small smile.

Jaebum continues to hold their hands together while Youngjae keeps to himself by looking down on the bedsheets. Tugging onto their fingers to get his attention, Youngjae avoids Jaebum’s stare. The older utters a playful ‘tsk’ sound before saying, “You really can be a crybaby sometimes, and I have to admit to that.”

Youngjae’s signature pout returns on his visage, and Jaebum couldn’t help his smile converting into a full blown smirk. Before the younger protests, Jaebum continues, “…but it’s not the reason why we got hurt. You’re not entirely at fault for what happened to us, Jae, so stop blaming yourself, okay? Can we start off with that?”

Youngjae sniffles away his tears and sheepishly nods. Jaebum feels his insides tingling in utter relief—his body felt more connected with his mind, and he couldn’t thank Youngjae enough for even accepting his presence right now.

“I have to apologize for my own behavior,” Jaebum begins, kissing Youngjae’s knuckles the second time around. Youngjae’s cheeks burn at the sensation, but he doesn’t let go and patiently waits for Jaebum to finish. “I have a history of acting out, and I’ve been improving on that but it doesn’t excuse the moments in which I still show excessive anger especially towards you.” Jaebum scoots closer as his forehead rests itself against Youngjae’s. Their eyes close simultaneously, drinking in the solemn embrace their bodies shared with one another.

“I was too selfish, Jae. I thought by isolating myself in my own world would help me become stricter and more capable in leading the group. I didn’t even think twice of letting anyone in as I thought it would prove me weak,” Jaebum discloses with a heavy breath. “Instead, refusing to let _you_ in made me weaker, and thus even less competent than before, and that’s not on you.”

“You did what you thought helped the group, hyung,” Youngjae defends.

Jaebum shakes his head gently. “It was wrong and I didn’t realize it until it was too late.” His fingertips are now tracing the outline of Youngjae’s palm, digging into every pathway in a soft caress. Youngjae hums at the touch, plopping his head back down on the pillow for support.

They bask in the silence, Jaebum lingering on the last words he spoke and Youngjae contemplating whether to open his eyes and glance back at Jaebum but he decided against it. He wants to enjoy the innocent connection they were having at the moment without mistaking Jaebum’s intentions as anything but pure. He wants to recall the memories he occupied himself over the course of the few weeks him and Jaebum had parted ways—sort of—in which made him feel the same exact feeling he was having now.

This is what he longed for—just to be loved by the person he did. He does, still. So much.

“Is it still too late?” Jaebum pleads in the quiet. Youngjae is caught off guard as his eyes shot open and see desperate eyes staring back at him.

“I understand how much I’ve hurt you,” Jaebum confesses, eyes forcing themselves to keep in contact with Youngjae’s confused ones. “But I’m willing to turn it all around, Jae. I want to prove to you how much I appreciate you, everything about you. I want to feel you close to me again, breathing next to me in bed again.” It was Jaebum’s turn to avoid the younger’s gaze, eyes fluttering to the concrete floor. He feels his voice trembling and if he intakes one more second of Youngjae’s angelic glance at him, his whimpers would start escaping from his throat.

Gulping hard to restrain himself, Jaebum mumbles, “I want… to come back home to you, Jae.”

“You rebel,” Youngjae blurts out, somehow breaking the serious mood of the atmosphere. Jaebum doesn’t falter, but his ears perk up at the odd word emitted out loud.

“What were you thinking flying back here to Seoul all by yourself, hyung? Why did you risk it?” Youngjae continues to ask in a flurry.

“What do you mean, Jae?” Jaebum interjects in a mellow voice, holding Youngjae’s hand and placing it upon his cheek making him feel comfortable and at ease. “Being able to hold you like this again, it’s already worth it from here.”

“You really can be corny more so than your usual chic persona, huh, hyung?” Youngjae teases, the ends of his smiling eyes brimming with leftover tears. Jaebum chuckles shortly, silently in agreement with the statement. Youngjae always knew how to poke just the right buttons in order for Jaebum to release his inner emotions—ones that were definitely not considered “cool” to his fans.

But that’s what he liked—love—about Youngjae. With Youngjae, it was easy to break away from standards.

With Youngjae, it really does feel like home.

“You’re the only person ever capable—and allowed—to bring that out in me,” Jaebum reminds him. Youngjae shoots a smug look and counters, “I’m glad, then.”

Youngjae delicately takes his hands away from Jaebum’s grasp and before the latter can interject, Youngjae takes control this time. Placing Jaebum’s hands on either side of his face, Youngjae slightly hesitates leaning into him, but Jaebum seizes the moment as his lips immediately close in.

They take their time—not like they had anywhere else to be. It felt scary, at first, as Youngjae was not expecting himself to go through kissing Jaebum again, but Jaebum was not going to waste another minute of being in the same room with Youngjae and not feeling his lips back on his.

They take it slow—like it was the first time they began showing their affection through lips touching lips. This time, however, it wasn’t electric, per se, but more welcoming and nostalgic. Jaebum opens his lips for Youngjae to purse his own even deeper. Jaebum’s hands find their way down the younger’s body, trapping his fragile being in between sturdy arms. It seemed uncomfortable, but as long as Youngjae’s lips connected with his, he didn’t mind the strain he’d get in his muscles afterwards.

They explore each other with great care—like one of them would break apart if one wrong move is made, but Youngjae’s putty hands find comfort onto Jaebum’s chest; not necessarily pushing him away but places his firm hold onto them, enough to keep both their bodies in unwavering. Jaebum’s tongue is the first to slip through his lips, wetting the outer vicinity of Youngjae’s plump mouth. The younger acquiesces, worried he might not be able to deliver at the same pace as before, seeing as they haven’t been this intimate in a while.

Jaebum notices his discomfort and decides to lead his tongue carefully into Youngjae’s open mouth. He didn’t want to overwhelm the boy, but he also couldn’t let the hot sensation pulsating in the pit of his stomach rest any longer. Slick tongue explores ticklish cheeks, Youngjae accidentally slips his own into Jaebum’s mouth as clumsy tongue meets a ticklish rigged roof. They feel themselves smiling at how familiar it all felt to them, and they didn’t stop.

The kiss seemed to last at least a few hours until Jaebum’s hand starts crawling up on Youngjae’s shirt, and the younger detaches himself with a loud gasp of air. With half-lidded eyes, Jaebum grins at Youngjae looking at him in embarrassment.

“Hyung!” Youngjae reprimands quietly, the redness of his cheeks transferring to his ears. Jaebum chuckles, still out of breathe from their previous intimacy, and lifts his hand away in a dismissive wave. “I’ll be good,” he mutters in a sing song tune.

Nodding his head, Youngjae pouts with a huff and lays back down on the bed. He grunts, twitching his lower back as Jaebum looks at him with concern. “Did I let you strain it too much?”

“No, it’s alright. It’s just annoying,” Youngjae groans outwardly. “I can’t believe how convenient it is for the doctor to tell me I should be released the day you guys return from Australia,” he complains, rolling his eyes in the process. Jaebum pats his hair twice, giving into the cute protest Youngjae was demonstrating. “You just need to be patient, my otter Jae.”

“ _Your_ otter Jae? Didn’t Jackson hyung come up with that nickname for me?” Youngjae taunts.

“Sure, but he doesn’t get to kiss you—“ Jaebum’s lips are once again connected with Youngjae’s parted ones, “—like this, does he?”

“Okay, slow down there, _defsoul_. We literally just made up two minutes ago.”

“And made out, don’t forget that.”

“Jaebum hyung!” Youngjae whines out loud and it’s a sound Jaebum will never get tired of hearing. They continue with their playful banters and eventually settles down with Jaebum retelling some choice moments that had transpired during the fan meet.

“Ahh, that sounds really amazing,” Youngjae comments with a sigh, sinking further back down on his mattress.

“It really was, Jae. You’ll come with next time,” Jaebum says reassuringly, hand hovering over Youngjae’s with his thumb lightly grazing over the smooth skin.

“I already miss being on stage with you, and everyone else,” Youngjae admits. “I wish I didn’t get sick so easily.”

“Nonsense, Jae,” Jaebum contradicts him. “What matters now is that you’re recovering, so focus only on that. Please?” Youngjae nods in agreement, and Jaebum places a chaste kiss on the side of his lips. Youngjae indulges the sensation, before asking, “Did you really mean it, hyung?”

“Mean what?”

“Everything,” Youngjae quips. “Everything that you told me today.”

“Of course.” Jaebum doesn’t skip a beat. “And everything I did and say before I came off as an asshole.”

“Then tell me again,” Youngjae inquires in a small voice. Tilting his head in confusion, Jaebum asks back, “Tell you what specifically?”

Youngjae purses his lips, obviously shy to repeat what he wanted to hear from Jaebum himself. But he musters up the confidence and whispers achingly soft, “That you love me.”

And it was so innocent, so endearingly Youngjae, Jaebum just had to lean in closer again, put his lips even deeper into his and make Youngjae lose his mind in a matter of seconds with their tongues in fiery synchronization with each other.

They let go for air, but as soon as Youngjae tries to come in again, Jaebum mutters, “I love you, Youngjae. So much.”

Youngjae smiles from ear to ear, his happiness uncontainable inside him and thus influences Jaebum to grin wider. They share a sweet kiss before Youngjae answers with a soft sight, “Welcome home, Jaebum hyung. Welcome back home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE 1: SOOOOOOO. is this the end??? idk either kjffsflf  
> but but but i just want to show my appreciation for every single person who took some time off their day to read my writing, leave a kudos, and especially such lovely and motivating comments. i always emphasize to myself that i write because it's a passion of mine, therefore i do it for myself, for the most part, and churning out something readable gives me more space to work on my writing skills is enough for me to keep going.  
> but when i see actual people reading my fics, enjoying them, getting real feels from them - it gets me. it gets me hard. because i never would have imagined for my writing to reach out to another person so much to the point that they thought i deserved to get a kudos or a comment.  
> it makes me so so so so SO happy, and i am so overwhelmingly grateful for each comment, each message on tumblr that i have received regarding this fic and how it made them feel. i have so much love to give all of you, and so much of my gratitude. 
> 
> and as always, thank you. thank you so much for reading. i can't believe i finished (? ;) ) my very first multi-chaptered ship fic and i'm decently happy about it. i know for a fact that my writing is not the best out there, but being able to finish this one in particular gives me hope that i'll only improve from now on. i can't wait for new ideas to spring and come out as another work of (fan) fiction, and i'm just as excited as i did the day i started writing this. 
> 
> alright. that's it for now, i think. it's 2:10 am, and i'm ready to hit the hay. as soon as i wake up tomorrow, i'll be uploading this on my tumblr (flyera) and move on to writing new ideas, new prompts, new anything, really!
> 
> i'll see you soon. ^^

**Author's Note:**

> hello aa ;; my very first ship fic as well as my very first post on ao3 as part of the got7 fandom, specifically 2jae shippers wassup hi whats good have you gotten your daily 2jae thirst quenched yet if not here ya go (pls go easy on me hnng). | also if in any way you've stumbled upon this fic on tumblr by the user flyera, don't worry! that's me. while you're there, message me and say hi! let's have a lovely lil chat abt our faves and whatnot. ^^ | but anyway! thanku for reading & i'll see u on the next chapter!!~


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